


"Help Wanted" [MSTing]

by MSTerMegane67



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Mystery Science Theater 3000, Ranma 1/2
Genre: MST, MST3k-Style Riffing, MSTing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 21:59:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 22,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSTerMegane67/pseuds/MSTerMegane67
Summary: So what happens when you take a cauldron of Ranma 1/2 and add a pinch of Sailor Moon? This 'fic attempts to blow the lid off of the seamy underbelly of Ranma 1/2, where one of the characters may be actually working for their own motives... >GASP!< And by the way, this very same character would really appreciate if you brought some tennis balls...





	1. Chapter 1

Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 209, reel 1:

"Help Wanted"  
(A Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 Crossover Fanfic)

MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison and Megane 6.7

==  
Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property  
of and (c) 2017 by Best Brains, Inc.

Sailor Moon is property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors of  
her works.

Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the distributors of  
her works.

This untitled piece of fiction is the property of Weebee and  
Jonakhensu, for which permission to MST was granted. A link to their  
works will be provided in the notes at the end of the 'fic.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their  
respective owners and distributors.

Comments are welcomed at zoogz@yahoo.com or megane67@rogers.com

==

\---Satellite of Love

"The gritty city -- someone needs to make sure that the people are  
protected and that justice is served to those who need it," Crow  
intoned majestically.

Tom asked, "Crow... why are you dressed like that?"

Crow whipped his cape over his shoulder as best as possible. "Don't  
call me 'Crow'. I am a *superhero*! I have a code name! If you  
refer to me by my secret identity, my loved ones could be in danger as  
my enemies are everywhere!"

Mike looked askance at him and said, "Oh, and what is your code  
name?"

Crow peered intently at Cambot. "I am The Crow! Bitten by a  
radioactive crow, I watch over the city..."

"...from three hundred fifty miles above. What do you see, Crow,  
rivers? The backsides of the clouds?" Tom snickered.

"Radioactive... crow? How did one fly up this high? How did it  
become radioactive? How did it get into the Satellite? What  
specifically did it do to you now that you couldn't do before?" Mike  
mused.

"Caw. Remember that, Mike. Caw."

Mike chuckled softly. "Okay, Crow, I'll let you continue."

"THE Crow sees all and catches crimes of all shapes and sizes!"

Mike scratched his chin. "So what superpowers does the The Crow  
have?"

"Well, I can dial a phone, unlike the other robot over there, and  
alert the cops!" Crow asserted as Tom grumbled. "I can also call for  
pizzas, make crank calls to the Minneapolis Fed asking if their  
interest rate is running..."

"Oh... I've been doing that for months, Crow," Tom stated. "Ever  
since Mike hooked up my Bluetooth headset."

"You... you have?! That's why things have been quiet recently!  
Oooh, origin story! Awesome! You shall be... the Blue Sabre!  
Sidekick to The Crow!"

"Shouldn't it be Blue SabreTOOTH?" Tom questioned.

"Too close to the X-Men character, lawsuit!" Crow hissed back.

Mike chuckled, "And me, Crow... err, The Crow?"

Crow leveled a gaze at Mike. "You can be the Triple-A to our A-  
Team. Until someone better comes along..."

"Hey!" Mike said. "You know, I can always be bitten by a  
radioactive 'The Crow' who was bitten by a radioactive crow. I'll be  
the supervillian that wins by cutting off the phone lines."

Tom gestured to the counter. "I have to put you on hold,  
Commissioner Gordon, I'll tell you about the museum heist in a couple.  
The Mads are calling."

"Awww, that was a job for The Crow," Crow groused. "At least let me  
order the pizza."

 

\---Deep Thirteen

"Hello, travellers! I assume that you've been kept warm, fed, and  
are raring for another experiment?" TV's Frank asked brightly.

Dr. F patted the back of Frank's hand. "Don't get attached to the  
experiments, dear. It'll make you sad once they're all chewed up and  
spat out, their minds turned inside out." Dr. F faced towards the  
camera. "We've finally developed our side project into a sinister  
income opportunity, and you get to hear all about it!"

 

Mike, Tom, and Crow all glanced at each other. "Uhh, what's going  
on?" Mike ventured.

 

Dr. F walked over to the counter where a short time ago, he'd been  
spritzing Frank's lunchboxes. Today there was a camera sitting there,  
along with a half-finished picnic table sitting beside. "Today's  
invention is... well, you've heard that the best scientific  
experiments have been created by accident? Well, Frank dropped my new  
Fujitsu camera a couple weeks back..."

"Soh-hoh-hoh-hohhhhhrrrryyyy!" Frank put his head in his hands and  
wailed.

"And after I took the purchase price from his 401(k)... Frank, your  
balance is a negative $18,378.11... I realized that the camera still  
worked. Barely. I took pictures, I'd get fuzzy shapes."

Dr. F powered on the camera and it gave a weak hum. "I racked my  
brain to figure out who would benefit from an out-of-focus camera. My  
first thought was health clubs that can use blurry pictures to  
Photoshop to kingdom come. As well, people's faces are ugly anyway  
and no one would want to see 'em!"

Dr. F shook his head and continued, "But they already beat me to the  
punch. They just take pictures of fit people and fat people and  
Photoshop the fat people's heads on the fit people anyway. So, I had  
to return to the drawing board. Once I realized how crappily Frank  
built my drawing board-"

"HEY!" Frank paused sobbing long enough to exclaim.

"You heard me," Dr. F chided. "He does his best, but the  
instructions got the better of him. Then I realized that I could  
build a whole HOST of things, take blurry pictures, and sell the  
instruction manuals back to the companies! Meet 'Construction  
Excellence, Inc.'"

Dr. F tapped the half-finished picnic table. "We build the things  
with the instructions that the companies give us. And we build them  
right. Once we take blurry photos and recompose the instructions,  
then no one else can build them!"

 

"Uhh... what good is that, Dr. F?" Mike asked. "Won't people just  
not buy those things because they can't build them?"

 

"That's okay," Dr. F replied, "because there's a beautiful example  
sitting at the store they bought it from! People think that it's not  
the instructions... it's them! Then when they mess up the first one  
and can't undo the bolting or glue, they'll buy ANOTHER one because  
they think they fixed their mistakes. The company gets additional  
sales, the buyers get ticked off at themselves and generally feel  
worse... and I pocket the difference! Now, hit me with your best shot  
proles!"

 

"Well, speaking of doing it yourself," Mike started, "I am a  
bachelor. And I've got one of the worst bachelor pads in the  
universe..." Mike lamented. "Cooking food is not one of my strong  
points, and anything I can eat with my fingers is gourmet to me. So,  
I present... the noodle rack."

Mike reached under the counter and brought out a package of ramen  
noodles and a plastic tray with a cover on it. The tray was raised  
and had a set of slots with water underneath. Mike opened up the  
ramen noodle package and started breaking the block of noodles in  
small segments, which he then stuck in each of the slots.

"The trick to this thing is in the microwave timing. I like to get  
it so that there's still the slightest bit of crunch to it. However,  
if you like just lowering soft noodles in your mouth and finishing  
with a crunch, that's fine too."

"Uhh, Mike? Ramen *popsicles*?" Tom asked.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that? There's no fork or spoon needed, no  
bowl, just rinse out this thing and you're done. Eat noodles with  
your fingers! If that's not something a bachelor does, what could  
be?" Mike replied.

"One of the hallmarks of bachelors is bad food, cooked even more  
pathetically." Crow observed.

"So, what do you think sirs?" Mike asked.

 

"I think that you'd better get in that theater before I decide to  
redo it with my new instructions! Your 'fic is a Sailor Moon and  
Ranma crossover called 'Help Wanted', and remember that I'm too far  
underground to hear your screams... so be sure to scream into the  
microphone pickups, I enjoy hearing those! Send 'em the fanfic,  
Frank," Dr. F instructed.

 

"*crunch crunch crunch* Yep, these needed a few more seconds in the  
microwave," Mike remarked, "or perhaps a bit of hot sauce...?" Just  
then, the buzzers went off, lights started flashing, and the gyrating  
Satellite of Love knocked the noodle tray off the counter. 

"We've got STAIN SIGN!" Crow yelled.

Mike sighed. "Our deposit..."

"MOVIE SIGN TOO!" Tom responded.

 

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate.)  
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the  
bottom.)  
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)  
(Door #4: It's a garage door. You have to open it manually.)  
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well.)  
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia.)  
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you  
inside.)

 

Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the third  
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. Crow sat in the far  
right seat.

 

>Help Wanted, By Weebee and Jonakhensu

Tom: Fanfic or errant Craiglist solicitation?  
Crow: They need a third partner in order to open their legal practice  
defending fanfic writers against copyright cases.

 

>Disclaimer: Something clever here.

Tom: This space for rent.

 

>Note: This story has been bouncing around the collective unconscious  
>for a while, and gathering more moss in the form of strange ideas as  
>it went.

Mike: Sounds like a presidential campaign.  
Tom: (singing) The wonderful thing about stories is stories are  
wonderful things!

 

>Since we didn't want it to grow into a fifty series multi-cross of  
>uber-doom, we decided to publish it now. We hope you enjoy it.

Tom: You can't HANDLE the crossovers!  
Mike, Crow: [authors] YOU try cramming fifty protagonists with their  
associated helping characters into one coherent storyline!

 

>Prologue: A Cliché storm summoned by a drunk weather mage.

Mike: Crap, it's raining banalities out there!

 

>In a cold, dark room in the deepest section of an abandoned castle,  
>a blond haired man stood, his hands in the pockets of the grey  
>uniform he wore, and wondering if he'd drank far too much the night  
>before.

Tom: Thanks to his drunken stupor, he ended up being the only  
surviving guard in all of Castle Wolfenstein.

 

>He had no idea why he was in said store room, nor why there were  
>shards of crystal dissolving into the floor, and the last thing he  
>could clearly remember was a 767 trying to crush him into paste.

Tom: [Tattoo] De plane, boss! De pla... *SQUISH*  
Mike: Looks like he finally picked the right week to quit sniffing glue.

 

>He was relatively sure that said event hadn't happened, as he felt  
>distinctly un-paste-like, though he didn't have any idea what had  
>happened after he'd begun desperately weaving the dark energies  
>needed for a single man teleport spell.

Crow: I thank Richard for feeling un-paste-like every single day.

 

>Scowling irritably, Jadeite, first, and to his mind, best of the Dark  
>Generals, pushed the door to the storage room he found himself inside  
>open, entering a long, equally dark hallway with several crumpled  
>bodies laying on the floor.

Crow: [Jadeite] Feh, bunch of lightweights.  
Mike: Outside, a woman's voice came over the intercom. (falsetto)  
"Hello, I am GlaDOS."

 

>Frowning in confusion, the man walked over to one, kneeling to note  
>that it was a Youma, locked in its inactive state, with no energy to  
>feed it.

Tom [commercial V.O.] Taking over the world is hard business.  
And when the experts from the Dark Kingdom decided to use Energizer,  
they found that they just... didn't have the power. Duracell... for  
when you need the power to conquer.  
Mike: As long as he's not one of the Puttermans. 

 

>He currently wasn't sure what part of the dark kingdom he was in,

Crow: [Jadeite] A light! A light!! MY DARK KINGDOM FOR A LIGHT!!!  
Mike: If you start walking while you narrate, I'd guess the west wing.

 

>but the dark general was relatively sure that Queen Beryl would  
>vaporize any Youma she found 'sleeping' in a hall like this, so the  
>presence of this one, along with five or six others, simply sprawled  
>out really confused him.

Tom: Beryl's just using cat-based youma for the next attack. Don't  
stick around when she opens the can of tuna...

 

>Reaching into his energy reserves, Jadeite was about to awaken the  
>creature, when he realized that his own power was critically low.

Mike: (X) Please reconnect controller.  
Crow: [Jadeite] *sighs* So much for the advantages of going wireless.

 

>He stopped himself from expending it, grimacing in irritation, and  
>straightened. "Nephrite," he projected a small amount of energy into  
>his voice, trying to communicate with the other man over even long  
>distances.

Mike: [Nephrite] Hi, I'm dead right now, but if you'd like to leave a message...  
Crow: [Jadeite] You must go to the Dagobah System... wait, why did I  
say that?  
Tom: And this is the story of how Mr. Mxyzpltk was pulled into Juuban.

 

>There was a long, silent beat, and nothing returned his call.

Crow: [Jadeite] I really need a new agent.

 

>He contemplated calling Kunzite or Zoisite, but both of those two  
>were unhinged, and didn't like him particularly much.

Crow: [Jadeite] Look, I'm sorry I mistook you for a woman, Zoisite...  
Tom: [Zoisite] You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE!

 

>They would, no doubt, take advantage of his weakness to kill him if  
>they got the chance, and the blond general was nothing if not good at  
>keeping himself alive. 

Crow: [Jadeite] Breathe in... breathe out... oh yeah, I've got this  
living thing DOWN.

 

>Stepping over the fallen Youma and picking a direction down the hall  
>at random, the grey suited man began to walk, eventually gaining his  
>bearings and heading for Queen Beryl's throne room.

Tom: This hallway stretches to the WEST and EAST. To the WEST is  
Queen Beryl's throne room while your own dwelling lies to the EAST.  
COMMAND?_  
Crow: GET A CLUE_  
Tom: You haven't got a clue. COMMAND?_

 

>He got there within ten minutes, and poked his head around the side  
>of the door cautiously, knowing that his queen quite liked blasting  
>people first and asking questions later when she was annoyed,

Crow: Now you know why the Governor General of Canada never visits the  
Queen anymore.  
Mike: [Elizabeth II] The colonies are clubbing baby WHATS?!

 

>though his mouth dropped open in shock when he caught a good look at  
>the location.

Crow: [Jadeite] It's all... CARDBOARD! Crap, are we putting on grade  
school plays now? What the hell happened to our budget!? Did Usagi  
get at the Craft Services again or what?  
Tom: [Usagi] Gargg gargg gargg gargg... isn't Aramark bringing any  
more lobster tail??

 

>The entire room was trashed, his queen's throne shattered and the  
>stand where her scrying ball once stood snapped in half.

Tom: Queen Beryl had lost her last poker game... as did her opponents.

 

>The far wall, where Metalia's presence had always hung, ever-  
>malevolent, was now dark, its crystal only reflecting the minimal  
>light that suffused the Dark Kingdom normally.

Mike: In its place... a Shepard Fairey "HOPE" poster  
Crow: [Jadeite] Never a Gelfling around when you need one...

 

>"What in the name of Pluto's rod is going on here?"

All: (giggles)  
Crow: Oh, so the kinkier fanart is true? Oh, wait, they're probably  
talking about her staff.  
Tom: This fanfic must've taken place before the operation.  
Mike: Yeah... wait, what?

 

>The fair haired general finally burst out, his patience at an end and  
>his 'creeped out' factor rather high.

Mike: Thinking about Pluto's rod raised my 'creeped out' factor rather  
high as well.  
Tom: He's going to find an emaciated Nephrite chained to the bed,  
barely living yet about sixty pounds, with "Sloth" written on his  
forehead.

 

>Walking quickly into the throne room, he saw that there were scorch  
>marks all around it, and several piles of dust where Youma had once  
>stood.

Mike: [Jadeite] I see that no one taught Beryl how to use the  
microwave. I warned them this would happen!!

 

>Whatever had happened, it was violent and likely incredibly short.

Crow: Much like Tommy here.  
Tom: Keep talking, pin-beak.

 

>There was only one conclusion that he could draw from this, though it  
>was hard to believe. Those three little girls had successfully  
>defeated Queen Beryl, and he was standing in the wreckage of the  
>final battle.

Tom: [Jadeite] DAMN YOU, POWERPUFF GIRLS!!!

 

>"So, what do I do now?" He thought, unsure. At the moment, he was  
>trapped in the Dark Kingdom with nothing but several hundred frozen  
>Youma for company, and barely enough energy to blow up a rock.

Mike: [Jadeite] Guess I could delude myself into thinking I'm  
Superman... yeah, I'm not trapped, I'm in my Fortress of Solitude!  
I can leave anytime I want! I just don't want to! *pant pant*  
Where's Lois!? Jimmy, are you there, pal?? (singing) Dah, dah dah  
dah, DAH DAH DAH, Dah dah dah dah dah... (sobbing) Dah, dah  
dahhhhahhhahhh....!! 

 

>Sighing, he turned and left the throne room, not entirely sure what  
>he was looking for, but knowing that he didn't want to see the  
>remains of his queen's final defeat, and the other generals' likely  
>deaths, any longer.

Tom: First call... Merry Maids. Second call....

 

>HR.

Mike: (Homestar Runner, singing) Everybody! Everybody!  
Crow: (Strong Bad) Homestar! What the heck are you doing here?  
Mike: (Homestar) Uhhh, I'm the scene change! Hooray!

 

>"You've got to be kidding me," Ranma Saotome noted, looking the  
>person before him up and down, and doing his damnedest to try and  
>restrain laughter.

Tom: (Dan Hibiki) Shut up! Do you want to learn my Saikyo style or  
not!?

 

>"Be quiet, Saotome!" Hikaru Gosunkugi proclaimed, raising his right  
>hand with a voodoo doll in it to his face, before clenching it  
>tightly, the near-fist beginning to tremble.

Tom: [Gosunkugi] Mr. Scarface won't tolerate any disrespect! Will  
you, Mr. Scarface?  
Crow: [Mr. Scarface] That's right, dummy.

 

>"I've had enough of this! I will finally defeat you where all of the  
>big, strong martial artists have failed, and then Akane will finally  
>pay attention to me!"

Tom: [Gosunkugi] This doll's my lawyer and we're going to tie you up  
into needless zoning battles FOR ETERNITY!  
Mike: [doll] Just wait 'till the homeowner's association hears about  
how many people live at the Tendo house!

 

>"Right..." The martial artist muttered, looking around the empty lot  
>that the other boy had called him to and being somewhat relieved that  
>no one else was there.

Crow: Ranma hates having witnesses to his murders.  
Tom: Somewhere in aether, Bugsy Siegel is nodding his head in  
agreement.

 

>He really didn't like beating up on people weaker than him, but Gos  
>usually had the annoying ability to be just barely a serious enough  
>threat to need to be punched in the nose, without looking like it.

Mike: [Ranma] Pull his sweater up over his helmet, whack him a coupla'  
times in the face, take the puck. Easy as pie.

 

>"Can we just give this up and you keep glaring at me from across the  
>classroom?"

Tom: [Gosunkugi] I don't know, can we come to an agreement on the  
Flintstone phone?  
Crow: [Ranma] Yabba dabba not a effing chance.

 

>"This isn't a joke, Saotome, and I'll prove it!" The candle-wearing  
>boy said, loosening his grip on the voodoo doll, before producing a  
>strand of black hair and tying it around the thing's neck. "Now,  
>watch this!" Saying that, he tugged one of the thing's arms hard,  
>actually tearing it slightly.

Mike: [Gosunkugi] Damn it, it's suppose to light up and shoot a  
plastic dart! Cheap Japanese crap!

 

>"I'm watching," Ranma said, tapping his foot, as nothing proceeded to  
>happen.

Tom: [Gosunkugi] YOU BROKE KEN!!  
Mike: [Ranma] I did? But you were the one... h-hey, stop crying!  
Tom: [Gosunkugi] WAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Why'd you have to call my bluff? Jerk!

 

>"I… I mean," Gos stuttered, looking down at the hair in confusion,  
>before tugging the arm harder, this time ripping it completely off.  
>After this, he threw the doll to the ground and stomped on it several  
>times.

Mike: Are we watching a sixties "Pink Panther" cartoon?  
Tom: [Gosunkugi] That's the last time I fall for a box that says "This  
is a Gundam, honest!" without looking inside.  
Crow: [Ranma] Hey, if that was a Magnum P.I. doll you could rename it  
the "one-armed Bandit"!

 

>"Why… why aren't you in hideous pain?"

Mike: [Ranma] Pain don't hurt.

 

>"Because your magic only ever works when you buy it out of the back  
>of a comic book or something?" Ranma said, his eyebrow twitching.

Tom: [Gosunkugi] Wait! You're saying those X-Ray Specs... actually  
WORK?!?  
Crow: [Ranma] Oh yeah, I've seen more bones than a paleontologist.  
Tom: [Gosunkugi, sobbing] My entire life is a waste!

 

>"Now are ya done? I've got some 'o Kasumi's dinner to eat back home."

Tom: [Gosunkugi] Speaking of comic books, why do you sound like  
Wolverine?

 

>"How could this possibly, I know I did it right, I know it! I won't  
>be humiliated by you again!" Gosunkugi proclaimed, loudly, before  
>removing his hammer and a long, rusty nail from his school uniform,  
>charging towards the pigtailed martial artist with it.

Tom: [Gosunkugi] NORM ABRAM, GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!  
Mike: Gosunkugi, Geek of Thunder.

 

>Snorting in annoyance, Ranma reached out, catching the other boy's  
>arm and gently extracting the hammer, before throwing it over his  
>shoulder.

Crow: [Ranma] If I wanted to get hammered, I'd order a drink.

 

>When the thinner boy tried to stab him in the eye with the nail, he  
>moved his head to the side, before moving it back sharply, smacking  
>Gosunkugi's hand open with the side of his head and sending the  
>sharp object tumbling to the ground.

Crow: Wow, he hit the nail right on the head... I mean, his head hit  
the nail on the hand... I mean... ah, screw it.  
Mike: [Ranma] Ow, dammit! You dug your knuckle into my eye socket!  
Tom: [Gosunkugi] Well, don't swing your head at my fist next time!

 

>"C'mon, Gos, this is stupid," the martial artist said. "I enjoy a  
>good challenge as much as anyone, but this ain't a challenge."

Crow: [Gosunkugi] Okay, screw the challenges, how about just picking  
one of your fiancees to marry, Mr. Bachelor?  
Mike: [Ranma] Quiet, you.

 

>He shrugged. "If ya wanna talk ta Akane so much, walk up 'n say hi,  
>don't try and kill me 'cuz then I have to fight you like this, and  
>both of us just get humiliated."

Tom: Ranma's nothing if not concerned for his own dignity.

 

>"I'll show you humiliated!" Gos said, still not giving up even though  
>his arm was still caught. Reaching into his shirt with the hand that  
>had once held his nail, he came out with a small scroll which he  
>slapped onto Ranma's chest.

Mike: [Gosunkugi] Consider yourself QUARANTINED! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

>Ranma's response, having had dealings with Gosunkugi and things  
>attached to himself before, was to reach down and grab the paper,  
>trying to tear it free, but it didn't seem to want to come off.

Tom: [Gosunkugi] Superglue one, Saotome, zero.  
Crow: [Ranma] Get it off! Get it... ow, my finger!  
Tom: [Gosunkugi] Ah, a papercut! First blood to me!

 

>"Ahahahahahahaha!" Gos proclaimed. "That is a demonic summoning  
>scroll! Soon, a being from the Negaverse will emerge to destroy you!"

Mike: And we have crossover. As subtle as a brick to the face.  
Tom: Last time he tried a resurrect dead scroll... he brought back  
Jerry Garcia.

 

>Ranma rolled his eyes and cursed himself. At least, the thing hadn't  
>been one of those stupid paper dolls, but he really shouldn't have  
>let his guard down, even if it was against Gos.

Crow: [Gosunkugi] Hey, no fair cursing yourself first! I called it!  
Cheater! Cheater!

 

>Pulling at the paper harder than he had before, it seemed to be  
>affixed, and unbreakable.

Tom: Damn Old Navy tags.  
Crow: Gosunkugi stuck a M. Night Shyamalan script on him?  
Mike: No, it didn't say "unfixed and inscrutable".  
Crow: (chuckles) Good point.

 

>He tried channeling Chi to his hand and burning it off that way, but  
>that only seemed to make things worse, as the paper started glowing a  
>bright blue, similar to his own life energy.

Tom: Umm... just get it wet, Ranma? The thing that happens to you  
roughly four times an episode?

 

>"Now," Gosunkugi proclaimed. "Denizens of the Negaverse, I summon  
>thee!"

Mike: Gosunkugi was perplexed as a humanoid duck in a yellow jacket,  
black cape and red hat appeared.  
Crow: [NegaDuck] What do you want, you pencil-necked geek!?

 

>As he spoke this incantation, the paper pulsed once, and a man  
>dropped on Ranma's head.

Tom: [Gosunkugi] Just one guy? Is our budget THAT low?  
Mike: [man] Sorry, Bob's out, his wife got sick this morning.

 

>Given that the pigtailed boy was rather distracted, this sudden  
>weight proceeded to drop him onto his back, the newcomer sitting on  
>his chest and looking extremely confused.

Tom: [Ranma] Jerry Seinfeld?  
Mike: [Seinfeld] What is the deal with these swirling portals? I'd  
say they suck, but then I'd be redundant.

 

>Looking around, he seemed to lose his confusion rather quickly, and  
>smiled slightly. "That was much easier than I had thought," he noted,  
>standing.

Crow: [man] Do you know where Marty McFly is?  
Tom: [Gosunkugi] Uhh... next to the TARDIS over there?

 

>Ranma took this opportunity to stand as well, and looked between the  
>man, a blond wearing a blue-grey suit with red piping running down  
>the chest and sides of his legs.

Mike: [man] Hi, I'm Septic Steve! I'm here to teach you about waste!

 

>"So, this is your demon?" He asked, deadpan, throwing a glance over  
>to the failure mage, though he did bring up his defenses, in case  
>the blond was more than he seemed to be.

Crow: So, blonds have more fail?  
Tom: [man] Sorry, demon's on back order, would you settle for a  
nauseated goat?

 

>"But," Gos sputtered. "It was supposed to be female, and monstrous...  
>at least according to the scroll."

Mike: [Gosunkugi] Wait, there's some small print here... "demons are  
subject to change without notice"!? Son of a...!

 

>He shook his head. "Never mind, Negaversal being, I command thee to  
>attack my enemy!" 

Mike: I... huh? Oh-kay... KNEEL BEFORE ME PUNY HUMAN, MURRAY  
FROM ACCOUNTING WILL MAKE SURE YOU FAIL... YOUR... AUDIT!!  
Crow: [Gosunkugi] Wait, you're Murray from accounting?  
Mike: [Murray] Yeah... next time, make sure your portal doesn't point  
at corporate HQ.

 

>He proclaimed, striking a heroic pose, lightning crackling in the sky  
>above him, the result of a technique he'd learned by observing  
>Tatewaki Kuno, and something that he thought rather enhanced his  
>powerful sorcerer mystique.

Crow: Hey Gosunkugi? Ernie Eaglebeak just called, said you're a dork.  
Tom: And then he had the living crap beaten out of him by Ranma,  
another technique he'd learned by observing Tatewaki Kuno.

 

>"Negaverse?" The blond man asked, giving the boy an odd look. "I  
>don't know of anything called the Negaverse, and I would not be  
>inclined to follow your commands even if I did."

Mike: Thanks Chris Hemsworth, you've been a treat to work with.  
Crow: [blond man as Beetlejuice] Where's Lydia anyway? Hey Babes!  
Come on, we're gonna be late for the movie! It's almost as gross  
as me!

 

>"What?" The candle wearing boy sputtered. "But... but I summoned  
>you!"

Crow: [blond man] Oh, what? I'm supposed to jump to because I  
answered my phone? If that were the case, I'd be doing the bidding  
of every telemarketer on Earth!

 

>Jadeite sighed, agreeing. "Well yes, I suppose you're right," he  
>admitted. After all, he had been trapped in the Dark Kingdom without  
>any way of teleporting out,

Tom: He'd been regretting putting those pants on for eons... his taxi  
fare was in his other trousers.

 

>and hadn't been very successful in finding anything to help him do so  
>before he was suddenly swept to earth, where he could possibly gain  
>more energy. He wasn't sure what he was going to do, but gaining a  
>little more power was definitely something he wanted to do first.  
>Turning to Ranma, he nodded. "Him?" he asked.

Tom: *splash*  
Mike: [Gosunkugi] No, HER!  
Tom: *splash*  
Mike: [Gosunkugi] No, him again!  
Tom: *splash*  
Mike: [Gosunkugi] STOP IT!  
Crow: [Ranma-Chan] Heh heh heh.

 

>"Yes, him!" His summoner said, pointing dramatically. "Destroy him!"  
>  
>Jadeite shrugged. "Sorry, kid," he said. "I need to get some energy  
>from somewhere, and I do owe him one."

Crow: [Ranma] Well... I have Mentos and Diet Coke, will that work for  
you?

 

>Ranma sighed. "Yeah, figured," he said, resigned. "How well can you  
>regenerate?"

Mike: [Jadeite] Well, I tend to feel a lot better after about eight  
hours of sleep...

 

>Jadeite blinked. "Um, not very well?" he asked, confused.  
>  
>"Okay, got it," Ranma said, before tightening his guard, letting his  
>eyes take in his new opponent's stance.

Crow: (sexy trumpet) Wah wah, wah wah, wah wah wah...  
Tom: [Ranma] My my my, you're a tall drink. Are you blond... all  
over?

 

>The blond man seemed like he might be a bit of a fighter, his stance  
>hinting at some training in something, though he didn't know what in. 

Tom: Well, let's hope he's at least potty trained.

 

>Still, he figured he'd better play it safe, as demons were usually  
>pretty tricky, and he didn't want to charge head first into one.

Mike: Yeah, demons usually have large pointy horns and that shit  
hurts.  
Crow: He'd rather prefer the demons chase him, as in the annual  
Running of the Youma in Roppongi.

 

>Seeing his opponent's ready, defensive stance, Jadeite smirked. He  
>observed that the other seemed to be well trained in the martial  
>arts, but this would only be a good thing, as it meant that he was  
>healthy and would have a pretty good energy reserve.

Mike: He was no triple venti latte, but he'd do.

 

>As he noted this, he shaped some of his remaining power into the  
>configuration of a life-force siphon spell, and aimed it at his  
>target.

Tom: Ranma groaned and tapped his foot as he waited for the five  
minute animation to finish.

 

>The stream of power he got was quite respectable, and he smiled as  
>his reserves began to fill, though he was surprised that the silk  
>clothed boy didn't seem to be weakening much from the drain.

Crow: Fortunately, Ranma had a difficult clog and didn't believe in  
the power of Draino.

 

>For his part, Ranma was frowning, as he felt a very familiar  
>sensation, though it was a lot slower than he was used to from  
>Hinako.

Crow: And not nearly as much fun.

 

>Narrowing his eyes, he drew his battle aura inside of his body, and  
>though he could still feel an energy drain, it had decreased  
>dramatically.

Mike: [Ranma] You're gonna pay for that, sucker. Ever feel how hard  
it is to reabsorb a fart? Like that but a hundred times worse.

 

>Seeing his enemy's upraised hand, and the fact that it was crackling  
>with blue energy, he dashed forward as quickly as he could, grabbed  
>the blond by the arm and pointed it at Gosunkugi for a moment before  
>twisting it behind his grey suited back, hard.

Tom: [Jadeite] Lina Inverse's narrator warned me about these...  
"martial arts".  
Mike: Oh no you don't, stop dragging in more series!

 

>Just as Ranma had thought, the rather weedy boy fell to the ground,  
>asleep, after only a second of exposure to the energy draining  
>attack,

Mike: He's like an open canister of film.  
Crow Cani-what of what?  
(Mike shakes head slowly, palm on forehead.)

 

>and the pigtailed martial artist smirked. "Give up, or I make yer  
>shoulder even more uncomfortable," he threatened, jerking the arm  
>slightly upwards.

Tom: [Jadeite] Hey, were you on Captain Yaten's ship too?  
Crow: Just wait until Jadeite releases his ultimate attack... "Eeek,  
masher! Officer, officer, come quick!"

 

>Jadeite winced, clenching his teeth for a moment and very, very  
>impressed with the human who now stood behind him. Not only had the  
>boy somehow managed to realize what he was doing, but he'd used the  
>blond's own power to take out his 'master,' and immediately put him  
>in an incapacitating position after he was done.

Crow: So basically if Ranma had starred in Sailor Moon, the Dark  
Kingdom would've been beaten in five minutes?  
Mike: Apparently.  
Tom: [Jadeite] And he didn't even need a 747! What a man!

 

>"Ya give up?" Ranma asked easily, not seeming to be making any effort  
>in keeping the Dark General contained.

Mike: No effort you say, 'fic?  
Crow: With new RANMA!, Dark Generals don't stand a chance!  
Bots: (singing) Don't delay, buy some RANMA today! 

 

>Jadeite frowned. Normally, he wouldn't give up this easily, but it  
>took his body time to convert human life force into the dark energy  
>he used for his magic, and he'd been letting his hand to hand skills  
>lapse over the past few thousand years.

Tom: Uh, yeah, not practising your martial arts since the tenth  
century BC might be a LITTLE past lapsing...  
Crow: Jadeite, you are the laziest man on Mars!  
Mike: Don't worry Jadeite, it'll come back to you quickly once the  
Kurgan starts coming after you next.

 

>Reluctantly, he nodded, and the pressure on his arm was immediately  
>released.

Mike: Soothe the pain away with new Ranmusol!  
Tom: Another fine product from RANMA! (singing) Don't doubt, obey,  
get some RANMA today!

 

>Turning in surprise, he saw his opponent smiling at him. "All right,  
>if that's it, I'm gunna go get dinner," the boy said, beginning to  
>turn and walk off.

Crow: [Ranma] Nothing like a little Kasumi in the Box after a good  
fight!  
Tom: [Ranma] Enjoy our town, demon! I highly recommend visiting the  
Nekohanten and Okonomiyaki Ucchan's for top quality cuisine! Tell  
'em Ranma sent ya!

 

>Jadeite opened and closed his mouth a few times, before shrugging and  
>walking his own way, vaguely wondering why the Sailor Senshi hadn't  
>shown up to spoil his operations yet.

Tom: The rest of them were in a crossover where they'll be NEEDED, you  
mean neglecting authors!

 

>HR.

Mike: Human Resources: People "helping" People... like you.

 

>Later that day, Jadeite hid behind a tree, and tried to look small as  
>a glowing, winged Senshi stood across from some sort of demon in one  
>of the Juuban district's many small parks.

Crow: For better absorption, new... Senshi with Wings!  
Mike: This had better not be the Disney/Sailor Moon crossover that no  
one remotely asked for.

 

>The woman looked, vaguely, like Sailor Mercury, though she was  
>approximately thirty years old, and her hair was a little longer.

Tom: Sailor Mom!  
Crow: [Jadeite] They're.... finally LEGAL. Ooooh baby...

 

>This, however, wasn't the most evident change, as power seemed to  
>roll off of her in waves,

Mike: Yet her uniform remained so dry! What was her secret?  
Tom: [Mercury] Of course, it's Secret! Strong enough for a youma,  
made for a Senshi.

 

>and the demon, which had seemed an order of magnitude stronger than  
>his Youma, was having trouble fighting what he had considered the  
>least offensively capable of the three Senshi he knew about.

Crow: [Jadeite] Hey, I thought you hit like a girl!  
Mike: *POW!*  
Tom: [Sailor Mercury] Hey, you thought right!

 

>Frowning darkly, the blond peeked out slightly further from the tree,  
>and winced as the blue haired woman spread her hands in front of  
>herself, forming a small, crystalline harp out of mid-air, before  
>announcing "Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!"

Tom: Next season she's also going to get a glockenspiel and a  
harmonica.  
Crow: It's always about the merchandising, isn't it?  
Mike: I wouldn't worry unless we see a Sailor Mercury Cycle.

 

>As several powerful blasts of water shot from the harp, impacting the  
>monster, Jadeite flinched.

Tom: When they say Nerf or nothin', they MEAN it.  
Mike: [Jadeite] Holy crap, she's showing off... that's not water,  
that's Crystal Pepsi!

 

>Yes, tangling with the Senshi directly when his power base was as low  
>as it was would be a bad idea.

Tom: All of this just because he got passed up to deliver a Sailor  
Moon Says at the end of an episode.

 

>As he thought this, the ice Senshi manifested her scan visor and  
>began turning in his direction.

Crow: [Mercury] Get me, I'm a sprinkler! Tch tch tch tch  
tchtchtchtchtchtch... tch tch tch tch...

 

>The man cursed, quickly invoking an automatic teleport back to the  
>Dark Kingdom, and wondering if she'd seen him.

Mike: [Jadeite] Thanks, warp whistle! You saved my bacon again!

 

>As he straightened up, he noted that the Dark Kingdom seemed a lot  
>lighter than he remembered, specifically as he gazed at a white  
>painted wall.

Mike: [Jadeite] And this sold for twenty THOUSAND dollars? Man,  
modern art is a massive scam.  
Crow: [Banksy] You're damn right. Here's my invoice for stating the  
obvious.  
Tom: [Hobbes] You misspelled 'weltanschauung'.

 

>Turning slowly in confusion, he noted that he was standing in a small  
>room, a large tub full of steaming water on one wall. As he turned  
>further, to see the other wall, his eyes widened, just as he was  
>grabbed by the front of his uniform.

Crow: [Jadeite] Did I just teleport into a music video?  
Mike: Just then, a nude Miley Cyrus walked in and offered her tongue  
to shake.

 

>HR.

Mike: Pufnstuf?  
Tom: Giger?  
Crow: This scene change has a gift for understatement.

 

>Ranma Saotome grumbled to herself, looking down at her left breast  
>and wondering if she could pound Gosunkugi for it.

Tom: [Ranma] What do you think, Lefty? Should I pound him?  
Crow: (falsetto) I recommend caution.  
Tom: [Ranma] Nobody asked you, Bruno!

 

>There, melded into the skin, was an arrangement of black letters in a  
>language she hadn't seen, forming a pentagram. She knew that earlier  
>in the day, when she'd been a he, Gos's summoning scroll had hit him  
>in the chest, but she had no idea that it would do this.

Mike: [Ranma] I hope to hell he doesn't have another scroll, I might  
end up with a tramp stamp.

 

>Sighing, she brought up the wash cloth to try and scrub the mark off,  
>for the second time, and as she ran the cloth over the symbol, it  
>changed colours from black to brightly glowing blue.

Crow: It's a mood tattoo?  
Tom: And her nipple changed colours to a bright red and... oh wait,  
that's just the cold water.  
Mike: Already with the bathing scene in the prologue? What the hell  
are we working towards by chapter four?

 

>She frowned at it. It was probably magic, and she really didn't want  
>anything like that tattooed onto her skin, especially given what had  
>happened with that ultimate weakness moxibustion thing.

Tom: [Ranma] Ink is bad enough but magic rashes like a bitch!  
Mike: [Ranma] I only hope that my bra covers the whole design...

 

>As she thought this, a wave of cold air seemed to wash over her, and  
>she shivered.

Mike: Then she swore and sputtered as a wave of hot wax followed.  
Crow: [computer voice] DRYING MODE ON... RANMA DRYING... *beeeeep*...  
YOUR RANMA IS NOW DRY.

 

>When she heard footsteps, she looked up, just in time to see the  
>blond demon guy from earlier in the day turning his eyes to look  
>straight at her.

Tom: [Ranma] Eek! I'm being peeped on by Julian Sands!  
Mike: [Jadeite] Wrong blond demon.  
Tom: [Ranma] Guy Lafleur?  
Mike: [Jadeite] Do I look Canadian?  
Tom: [Ranma] You sound Canadian.  
Mike: [Jadeite] So do you!  
Tom and Mike: [Ranma and Jadeite] Damn dubbing.

 

>She moved instantly, grabbing him by the front of the shirt and  
>slamming him into the wall. "What the hell're you doing here?" she  
>demanded, irritably.

Tom: [Jadeite] Uh... Amway?

 

>The blond's eyes widened, and he looked around, confused. Ranma let  
>her grip loosen as she noticed that he looked about as lost as Ryoga  
>did whenever he entered a room. "Um," he tried, uncertain. "Do I know  
>you?"

Crow: Suddenly.. a bar of Irish Spring, right between the eyes!  
Tom: (singing) You're not fully blind unless you're ZESTFULLY blind!

 

>The redhead sighed, forcibly pulling back her Kuno bashing instincts.  
>"Turn around, open the door, and leave. Wait in the hall, 'n I'll be  
>out.

Mike: Ranma needs an ink pen so he can write it all on Jadeite's hand.

 

>You look at anything, I break bones."

Crow: [Jadeite] Really? I break wind, we should totally hang out  
sometime!

 

>The blond man looked rather bemused, but followed the redhead's  
>instructions as she set him down, turning to the door and sliding it  
>open to reveal a second small room, with another door out of it that  
>lead into a hallway.

Tom: Suddenly we're playing an Infocom game.  
Crow: You think the Dark Kingdom has a Grue?  
Mike: Well, it's decidedly short on minions right now...  
Tom: *ba-dum-tish*

 

>He stood there for a few moments, noting that he was apparently on  
>the second floor of what looked like a traditional Japanese house. 

Tom: A Kung-Fu Master, JADEITE and RANMA were suddenly attacked  
by several unknown guys.  
Mike: ( RANMA WAS KIDNAPPED BY THEM. )

 

>Unfortunately, he had no idea how he'd gotten there, and was inclined  
>not to try and teleport back to the dark kingdom, for fear that the  
>rather angry seeming girl in the bathroom would make good on her  
>threat to break bones.

Tom: FYI, 'The Rather Angry Seeming Girl' was the original working  
title of 'Ranma 1/2'...  
Crow: Oh yeah? What was Sailor Moon's original working title then?  
Tom: 'Women of the Prehistoric Planet'.  
Crow: Figures.

 

>Given how quickly she'd grabbed him and smashed him against the wall,  
>he had no illusions about her ability to do so.

Mike: Ranma's had plenty of practice, disposing of boogers in the same  
method.

 

>"I could really use a few dozen Youma about now," the dark general  
>noted, as a second human female came up the steps from the first  
>floor of the house, carrying a pile of clothing.

Tom: [Girl] It's inevitable that you'll be rifling through our  
underwear drawers, just save us some time and tell your frat brothers  
to sod off.

 

>"Oh," she said, looking surprised as she saw the rather formally  
>dressed man standing next to the door to the bathroom. "We apparently  
>have a guest."

Crow: [Henry Stauf] WELCOME TO MY... HOUSE.

 

>Jadeite wanted to simply ignore her, continuing to think about what  
>he was going to do, and perhaps leaving this house before the girl in  
>the bathroom was finished,

Crow: [Henry Stauf] COME BAAAAAAAAAAACKKK!!!

 

>though something in the smile of the serene, brown haired woman who  
>now stood before him compelled him to answer.

Mike: [Jadeite] You got a piece of seaweed stuck in your teeth.

 

>"I shouldn't be here for very long, it was an accident involving a  
>teleport spell." 

Tom: [girl] So that's why your arm is jumping around like a freshly  
caught trout in the corner.

 

>He hadn't meant to say that second part, though the woman simply  
>smiled at him, as though teleport spells were perfectly normal, and  
>walked past him to a room with a duck on the door, opening it and  
>walking in.

Mike: [Jadeite] Now I know I'm in a dream sequence.  
Tom: [Duck] But how can you be sure?

 

>Perhaps, the general thought, given that girl's reaction, he was in a  
>house of mages of some sort. He wasn't sure if that was a very good  
>thing or a very bad thing, though it did somewhat explain how his  
>teleport had been redirected.

Crow: It's yet another gimmick to get people to watch Nick at Nite...  
"Mage House".  
Tom: [Verne Troyer] And I'm a maaaage!

 

>When the brown haired woman exited the room with the duck on it, she  
>smiled at the blond again. "Would you like to come downstairs and  
>have some tea before you leave?" She offered, kindly.

Mike: [girl] Oh, and a very merry unbirthday to you!  
Crow: [Jadeite] To me?

 

>Jadeite shrugged, before nodding, following the girl downstairs. It  
>was likely that he would have to leave the house the normal way, 

Crow: Butt naked through the window it is!

 

>as he wasn't sure what was wrong with his teleport spell at the  
>moment, but doubted the short red haired girl he'd just popped in on  
>would be very appreciative if he'd done it again.

Tom: (singing) Pop! Pop-Up! Pop! Pop into Pop-up Voyeur!  
Mike: Besides, if he were to pay with his AmEx, it'd bounce higher  
than a Tigger on Red Bull.

 

>As he reached the base of the stairs, the man looked around,  
>observing that the first floor looked a lot more battered than the  
>second, as he could see at least one hole in a nearby wall.

Crow: [Wolverine] Don't worry, bub... contractors always come on the  
25th to survey the damage, everything's fixed by the first again.  
Every month.

 

>"Excuse me," he asked, as the girl was turning to enter the kitchen.  
>"Where exactly am I?"

Mike: [girl] Latitude 35.738352, Longitude...  
Crow: [Jadeite] Not THAT exact! Now where am I!?  
Mike: [girl] Isn't that a question you should ask yourself?  
Crow: [Jadeite] What is this, the Tao of Moon?  
Mike: [girl] I don't know, is it?  
Crow: [Jadeite] Stop that.

 

>The girl giggled. "Ah, just like poor Ryoga-kun," she noted. "You're  
>in the Tendo home. We're in Nerima ward, Furinkan district."

Mike: [girl] My partner is George Frankly, the boss is Thad Green, my  
name is Monday. I'm a mathematician.

 

>The man nodded slowly. He was, apparently, in the same area that he'd  
>been in when first teleported from the Dark Kingdom.

Tom: Much like the story, Jadeite was having trouble getting  
somewhere.  
Crow: Maybe if you try to brush aside all the commas you can find an  
escape hatch.

 

>Frowning, he hoped that he wouldn't have all of his transport spells  
>redirect here, as that would be rather... inconvenient. Seeing his  
>frown, the girl spoke up.

Tom: [girl] Better here than the middle of the 401 at rush hour.  
Crow: Why? All the cars would be standing still anyway.  
Tom: Good point.

 

>"Please, take a seat in the living room, and if you're lost, I'm sure  
>Ranma-kun or Akane-chan can help you find where you need to be," She  
>reassured, gesturing across the hall from the kitchen entrance.

Mike: [Jadeite] Thanks, uh, what was your name?  
Tom: [girl] Oh, everyone knows who I am, why bother defining it?  
Mike: [Jadeite] You mean the girl that looks like Sailor Mercury?  
Tom: [girl, cheerful] Yeah, only not! 

 

>Nodding, Jadeite turned, entering a large room with a low table set  
>in its center, and a large set of double doors that led out into a  
>yard.

Crow: Anyone else feel like a game of Clue?

 

>Inside the room were two old men who didn't even notice him, too  
>caught up in some form of strategy based board game which, it seemed,  
>they were cheating rampantly at,

Mike: [Jack Lemmon] It's your move, moron.  
Crow: [Walter Matthau] Keep your shirt on, putz.

 

>along with a brown haired girl wearing a set of cut-off shorts and a  
>tight blue and white striped T-shirt, who was reading USA Today.

Tom: [Nabiki] So what's Biebs up to today? Deported from the US, but  
Canada won't accept him back?  
Mike: (reading) Nation of Canada says, "You morons made him famous, we didn't."

 

>Sitting at the table and watching the news was an older woman in a  
>formal Kimono, who was the only one to look up as he entered. "Oh,  
>hello," she said, before her eyes widened, and she shot to her feet.

Mike: [Mrs. Livingston] Mr. Eddie's Father! You're back!

 

>The dark general tensed, preparing for an attack, which seemed to be  
>par for the course for today, before the woman did something very  
>unexpected, which also seemed rather par for the course for today,  
>and sank back to her knees, bowing and touching her head to the  
>floor.

Tom: And the fanfic moved at a snail's pace, which seems rather par  
for the frigging course today!  
Crow: [Genma] How'd you get her to do that? Can you teach me?  
Mike: [Nabiki] You're interrupting Joe Scarborough, stop it.

 

>"Jadeite-Sama, it is truly wonderful to see you!" The woman  
>exclaimed.

Tom: [Nodoka] I was getting dreadfully bored, let's have an adventure!  
Mike: This has got to be the oddest eHarmony blind date ever.

 

>Jadeite blinked, The girl in the cut-offs blinked, and he was pretty  
>sure that one of the two strategy game players blinked as well, which  
>cost him as the other slipped an extra piece onto the board.

Crow: Isn't it amazing the little details you can pick up when you're  
stunned?

 

>The room fell into deep silence for a moment, before a new voice  
>burst it. "Okay, what the heck's goin on here?"

Crow: A scene... allegedly.

 

>The voice was gruff, male, and Jadeite recognized it. Turning, he saw  
>the boy who he had been 'summoned to defeat' earlier in the day,  
>standing at the base of the stairs in a red silk shirt and pair of  
>loose black pants, and with a glare on his face.

Mike: [Ranma] Can we dispense with the slow reveal? Seriously?  
Crow: [Jadeite] Dammit, but I brought Maury Povich with me!

 

>"Mom, why're you bowing to some random Hinako-sensei knock-off?" He  
>looked to Jadeite and shrugged. "No offense."

Tom: [Jadeite] I suppose I should actually meet this Hinako person  
before I can be offended by a comparison.  
Crow: [Ranma] You fight like Akane cooks! No offense, of course.

 

>"Ranma," The still bowing woman hissed. "Please, pay more respect to  
>one of the lords of our people!"

Mike: [Nodoka] Or a prince of the universe, I can barely remember  
those Queen songs anymore.

 

>Ranma sighed, rolling his eyes. 'This is gunna be one of those days,  
>ain't it?' He thought, sourly.  
>  
>END.

Crow: Already? Gee, an unfinished fanfic, that's a new one.

 

>End Note: OMG! It's a cliff hanger, how cliche...

Mike: Will Ranma ever get to enjoy Kasumi's dinner? Will Gosunkugi  
regain consciousness before the vultures finish their meal? Will  
Jadeite ever find out what the hell he's supposed to be doing in this  
fanfic? Find out in an all-new episode of 'Help Wanted' in just four  
weeks!  
Crow: [Eric Cartman] What!? SON OF A BITCH!

 

>Don't forget to R&R to beg us to make the hurting stop.

Mike: I'm still trying to stop the itching and burning personally.  
Tom: My review... don't even attempt to pay Sylvester Stallone, it'll  
make it even less believable.  
Mike: Don't be riduculous......  
Tom: Oh! Let's get back out there...

***

Tom and Mike were standing behind the Satellite of Love counter.  
Tom's head was adorned with a brown curly wig, while Mike wore a vest  
and a bowl haircut wig.

"Cousin Gosunkugi, where are all the sheep... err, my minions?" Mike  
asked in a foreign accent.

"Jadeite, this isn't like Mepos. You don't just get minions by...  
how the heck did you get minions anyway?"

"Oh, don't be ridic-oo-lus, cousin!" Mike chided. Crow, manning the  
soundboard, hit the canned laughter button. "It's TGIF, the kids are  
watching and we would not dream of talking about that when the censors  
are watching."

"Oh," Tom said. "I thought it was like a 'Lord of the Rings' thing,  
with Beryl as Saruman, and the orc pods, and the dripping, and...."

"What happened to Beryl anyway?" Crow asked... and his hand slipped  
on the board.

**chonk chonk**

Tom looked at Mike and nodded. Mike yanked off both of the wigs.

"I swear, I was asleep and had no idea what happened!" Mike  
protested.

"Yeah, the boss and coworkers dead and you're the only one alive  
enough to get the company discount. If you're not the murderer,  
you're the luckiest son-of-a-bitch in Queens." Tom answered gruffly.

Crow, going with the flow, hit the *chonk chonk* button once more  
and grabbed a poofy grey wig. "Detective Brisco, he could have the  
best motive in the business but we can't prosecute without evidence!  
Go through his financials or something."

"I can't," Tom answered gruffly, "we need a WARRANT and that's your  
job, McCoy. He could be dancing on the grave with blood on his hands,  
but we can't so much as touch it without your judge's say-so."

*chonk chonk*... *chonk chonk*... *chonk chonk*... "Dang panel,"  
Crow groused. He banged on it with one claw... and heard a  
distinctive "Schwing!" He shrugged, looked at Tom, and flipped his  
wig inside out to show long blond hair.

"Party on Gosunkugi!"

"Party on Jadeite!"

"I swear I'm not guilty!" Mike cried from the other side. "I will  
cooperate with the investigation!"

Crow looked at Tom and asked, "Do you have the 'This man blows  
goats' sign?"

Suddenly, the lights started flashing and the satellite shaking.  
"Too late, we've got MOVIE SIGN!" Tom cried.

[To be continued in part 2 of 2]


	2. Chapter 2

MSTing of "Help Wanted" by Scott "Zoogz" Jamison and  
Megane 6.7, part 2 of 2:

 

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate.)  
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the  
bottom.)  
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)  
(Door #4: It's a garage door. You have to open it manually.)  
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well.)  
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia.)  
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you  
inside.)

 

Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the third  
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. Crow sat in the far  
right seat.

 

>Um, we really should have added this to the first post, but Weebee's  
>compulsive posting syndrome got away from him, and we honestly  
>couldn't resist the cliffhanger. 

Mike: CPS is a serious problem affecting many people in  
all walks of life...  
Tom: I posted over a hundred comments during a discussion of  
'Breaking Bad'... I don't even OWN a TV! (starts sobbing)  
Crow: I swore every tweet I sent to @KimCattrall would be my last... I  
lost count around 2007... the year! (starts sobbing)  
Mike: If you or someone you know suffers from CPS, please call someone  
and ask them to do something about it. It can be anyone really.  
Just make the call. You'll be glad you did.

 

>As a result, here's prologue 2. 

Mike: Prologue 2: The Quickening of the Pace! Please?

 

>We're sorry for the inconveniance.

Crow: As long as there's no appendix at the end, you're golden.

 

>Prologue 2: Damned Cliffhangers.

Tom: [author] And, uh, that's kinda it, Weebee jumped the gun again...  
stop it!  
Mike: [Weebee] Whee!

 

>The Tendo living room fell silent for the second time in five  
>minutes, as Nodoka Saotome's last statement reverberated through  
>everyone's minds.

Crow: [Soun] I'm not entirely sure if I'm ready to rock, truth be  
told.

 

>"What?" Ranma asked, deadpan, looking between his mother and the  
>blond who was standing in the middle of the room.

Tom: [Nodoka] I said, meet your new step-mother.  
Mike: [Ellen Degeneres] Well, Nodoka was my first...

 

>Much to his surprise, the man had said pretty much the same thing at  
>the same time, though he had been a bit more articulate about it.

Crow: Now now, I know that Ellen wears a lot of pantsuits, but that's  
a bit of a low blow...

 

>"I have people?" he mumbled, the only beings fitting that description  
>having been the Youma in the Dark Kingdom and his fellow generals.

Mike: Indifference, Consensus, and Dismay.

 

>"Of course, Jadeite-sama," Nodoka said, before raising her head, as  
>bowing for that long was beginning to give her a crick in her neck.

Crow: And you call yourself Japanese? Where's your stamina!?  
Mike: [Jadeite] Hey, wait a second... no one else is bowing. I don't  
have "people", I only have "person". What kind of shoddy network is  
this?

 

>Looking past the tall man to her son, she winced as she noted the  
>confused look on his face, and that wince only got worse when she  
>remembered that her husband was sitting nearby, playing Shogi.

Tom: [Genma] Ehh, last week she was worshipping her end table.  
Mike: [Nodoka] It's because I couldn't find my glasses and was looking  
under it!  
Tom: [Genma] Whatever, whacko wife.

 

>"Perhaps I should have thought before speaking," she muttered,  
>nervously.

Crow: What tipped you off, the bemused silence?!  
Tom: And... cliffhanger! Off to prologue 3!

 

>"Well, it definitely shows that you're Ranma's mother," Nabiki  
>drawled, earning a sharp look from the Kimono clad woman.

Mike: And Nabiki closed her Hee-Haw door, summarily chastised.

 

>The auburn haired woman eventually sighed as she took in the  
>questioning looks from all around, and stood. "Ranma, there is  
>something I haven't told you yet," she began.

Tom: [Nabiki] Wait!  
Crow: Then Nabiki proceeds into the kitchen, finds the box of popcorn  
marked "For Times Like These", takes two minutes to pop it, and is  
ready for what comes next.  
Tom: [Nabiki] Continue.

 

>"If it turns out he's adopted, I'm charging you for the bet losses,"  
>Nabiki chipped in, before getting a death glare from the Saotome  
>matriarch that abruptly reminded her why she never included the older  
>woman in her schemes.

Mike: She also couldn't hold a secret if it was Crazy-Glued to her  
hand.  
Tom: [Nabiki] And I had the Boesky, the Jim Brown, two Jethros and  
the Leon Spinks set up... but now I lost my Ella Fitzgerald.

 

>"Ranma is not adopted," she snapped. Meanwhile, Kasumi had entered  
>the room with a tray full of tea, setting it on the dining table and  
>taking a seat to listen interestedly to the latest bit of insanity.

Tom: [Kasumi] I brought enough tea for everyone, just grab a straw  
and suck it off the tray!  
Crow: [Nabiki] No cups?  
Tom: [Kasumi] And miss this?!

 

>"Okay," Ranma said, "So what haven't ya told me, and who's this guy  
>you're calling 'Jadeite-Sama?'"

Crow: [man] Bob Jadeite, Master Contractor. I repair dojos for a  
living.  
Mike: [Soun] He's everything we've ever wanted. Nabiki, you're  
engaged.

 

>The man in question was rather curious as well, taking a seat next to  
>Kasumi and grabbing one of the cups of tea. 

Tom: [Jadeite, whispering] I don't know how this will turn out either!

 

>After all, he hadn't really gotten a chance to eat anything since  
>right after he'd challenged the Senshi to their final fight, and  
>almost dieing was thirsty work.

Crow: Jadeite likes to chug a gallon or so for every continue screen.  
Mike: Final Fight? Don't you mean 'Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon'?

 

>Nodoka looked uncomfortable. "Perhaps I should show you," she said,  
>before closing her eyes and starting to glow with a sort of dark  
>aura.

Mike: Her magic skill is reprogramming all of the VCR clocks in your  
house... unfortunately, there's no VCRs left.  
Tom: [Nodoka] SOMEWHAT LIMITED... POWERRRRRR!!!!

 

>As she did so, her body rippled, growing about half a foot, her legs  
>seemed to rearrange in a fashion that Kasumi thought should have made  
>several loud cracks, but didn't,

Tom: [Kasumi] But you've grown half a foot, look... it's sticking out  
of your shin.

 

>and her Kimono seemed to truncate itself, revealing more of her legs  
>and chest as soft, white hair grew in all over her body, even her  
>auburn hair changing to a darker colour and growing somewhat over her  
>forehead.

Crow: Teen Wolf 3! This time, it's not a teen!  
Tom: [Nabiki] Picture taken, sending tweet now...

 

>By the time the transformation was complete, the woman's face was  
>even completely different, the nose jutting forward in a narrow  
>muzzle with sharp teeth peaking out of it, and her eyes having  
>narrowed slightly.

Crow: The Dojo of Doctor Moreau.  
Mike: She's probably Team Jacob.  
Tom: (singing) There's a poss-i-bil-i-tyyyyyy

 

>"Um," Ranma said, succinctly, unsure of how to respond to his mother  
>turning into something from a Lon Chaney movie, complete with a long,  
>furry tail whipping behind her.

Tom: [Nodoka] Just shooing flies.  
Mike: [Ranma] Oh god, my mom's into fun fur. Just kill me now...  
Tom: [Nodoka] What the... you're looking at me like I have three  
heads. I just wanted to show you my Comic-Con cosplay!

 

>Genma, on the other hand, was a lot less conflicted.  
>  
>The rather overweight man immediately bolted up, scowling  
>ferociously.

Crow: [Genma] One! One situp, and there's no damn way I'm getting  
to two.

 

>"Demon, what have you done with my wife?" He demanded, angrily.

Mike: He's wondering if he can get the replacement wife through March  
Madness and have a timeshare every October following.

 

>Nodoka sighed, slapping her forehead with one of her paw-like hands.  
>"Husband," she groaned, her muzzle somehow not distorting her speech.  
>"I thought I told you about this."

Mike: [Nodoka] Don't you remember when I told you when Ranma was  
born, "No midwife... just get me to the veterinarian?"  
Tom: [Nurse Janice] So what did you say to your patient when you  
found out that she had a man for a husband?  
Crow: [Doctor Bob] I told her what any dog would tell her... "woof!"

 

>Genma blinked, and then looked kind of sheepish. "I... thought I was  
>just too drunk," he admitted, slouching down to his seat by the Shogi  
>board.

Crow: [Genma] What year is it? How old is Ranma again?

 

>"You knew about this?" Ranma asked, looking at his father, trying to  
>be surprised but failing spectacularly.

Mike: Know? Genma's already knitted a sweater from the fur she's  
shed over the years.  
Crow: [Genma] Nothing like the fur of my significant other to  
keep me warm on those cold lonely nights...

 

>"Well, you kind of have to when your wife absorbs your life force  
>when you're..." Genma snapped his mouth shut, and Ranma was rather  
>thankful that he didn't finish his sentence.

Mike: Hokay, what rating do we have on this implied bestiality fanfic?  
Tom: F for Furries?

 

>"So, you're a Youma," Jadeite said, slightly surprised himself. "One  
>of the infiltrators I set out against the Senshi?"

Tom: [Nodoka] Yep, another five pounds or so, and I'll finally be  
able to fit into a fuku and infiltrate the senshi, no problem!  
Crow: [Jadeite] You are SO fired.

 

>Nodoka nodded. "Kado," she said, "Of the first infiltration team."  
>  
>"So, Saotome, looks like Kuno could be right about something," Nabiki  
>observed. "Guess you're a demon spawn."

Tom: [Nabiki] It is I, Sailor Sarcasm! And I will punish you!  
Mike: Consider us already well-chastised.

 

>Ranma twitched, while Jadeite nodded. "Technically, Youma aren't  
>demons," he corrected.

Mike: [Ranma] Yeah yeah, learned that on "Bill Nye the Science Guy" a  
couple years back, just roll with my poutrage, eh?

 

>"Y'know, that doesn't help much," Ranma grumbled, getting a flinch  
>from the wolf creature that was apparently his mother.

Crow: [Nabiki] Hey, lay off her, Mowgli.  
Mike: And at this point, I call an emergency moratorium on all jokes  
that include the word "Genma" and the word "doggy-style".  
Tom: Seconded.

 

>"Sorry, Mom," he muttered. "Could ya turn back, that's kinda creepy."

Crow: [Nodoka] Happen to have the blood of a virgin? It's kind of  
necessary...  
Tom: [Ranma, sighing] Lemme get some cold water...

 

>"There's Saotome, as tactful as ever," Nabiki commented, though  
>Nodoka didn't seem to notice this,

Tom: Hey Nabiki? If you're going to keep riffing on everything, you  
might as well join us in the theater.  
Crow: Punch up the dialogue though, your possible future mother-in-law  
may have heartworms.

 

>shifting back to her human form, and her clothes somehow reforming to  
>protect her modesty.

Crow: Way to explain it, authors.  
Tom: I think the whole "modesty" thing went out the window when she  
was jumping all over Jadeite for some "Beggin' Strips".

 

>"Perhaps I should have told him when we first met," she pondered,  
>quietly.  
>  
>"Coulda helped," Ranma agreed, but then shrugged. "But things were  
>kinda hectic back then, so it coulda made me go nuts or something."

Tom: [Ranma] Hey Mom, do you have your kennel papers? I'd love  
to know what colour my coat will turn when I get to be mid-age,  
around six years or so from now.  
Mike: (chuckling) Okay Tom, enough of the dog jokes...  
Tom: But Mike, this is the gift that keeps on giving!  
Crow: I'd say, it's really fetching my attention.  
Mike: Don't neither one of you say another word, I'm not starting on  
the puns again...  
Tom: Oh, get rover it.

 

>Kasumi nodded. "You both did seem rather tense," she contributed.  
>  
>"Well," Genma noted, turning back to his game of Shogi, and looking  
>over to Jadeite for a moment. "You're my wife's old boss, very nice  
>to meet you."

Tom: Genma's salivating over the back pay Jadeite owes Nodoka.  
Mike: Too bad it's all in squeaky toys.

 

>Soun Tendo, who had been trying to ignore this whole scene, grunted  
>and nodded.

Tom: Poor Soun, doesn't get any lines. Couldn't you at least find him  
a place in the stage crew, or associate producer, or underwear valet  
for Happosai?

 

>The blond man in question blinked, looking over to Kasumi, who still  
>sat next to him drinking tea. "They seem to be taking this well," he  
>observed.

Crow: [Kasumi] Yeah, sometimes our setups take forever. This is only  
the second prologue, there's probably a few more unicorns out there  
in the garden...  
Mike: [Jadeite] Figuratively... or literally?

 

>"It's been a rather peaceful day," Kasumi said.  
>  
>Jadeite's eyebrow twitched.

Tom: [Kasumi] Please won't you be our neighbour?  
Crow: (muttering) ...land of make-believe...

 

>HR.

Mike: We need some unpaid interns, stat!

 

>Forty minutes later, Jadeite was longing for a stiff drink of  
>Venusian brandy, as he sat across from what was probably his last  
>active servant on Earth and was given a status report that was hard  
>for even him to believe.

Crow: [Jadeite] So that's how he got the third fiancee?  
Tom: [Nodoka] That's nothing, let me tell you about the principal's  
daughter...

 

>The first part was reasonably easy to swallow, that 'Nodoka,' as she  
>now called herself, had gone into hiding when he'd fallen, waiting  
>for a chance to eliminate the Senshi.

Mike: Okay, 'fic, are you absolutely sure she turns into a wolf... or  
is it really a coyote?  
Tom: [Sailor Mars] Meep meep!

 

>When the Dark Kingdom's forces fell, apparently helped along by the  
>joining of two new Senshi and the recovery of the Silver Crystal,  
>she'd revised her plans a little, married a strong human who could  
>provide the life energy she needed to survive without being harmed by  
>it, and decided to live out the rest of her spectacularly long life.

Crow: So, not a coyote... maybe she's really a tapeworm?

 

>It had been what any of the other reconnaissance division Youma, some  
>of the weakest, yet most adaptable, that Beryl had, would do in her  
>situation. The problem was that things had rapidly changed after  
>that, going in directions he hadn't expected.

Tom: Especially when Nedry shut off all the power that evening and  
never came back.  
Mike: The few investors that weren't eaten alive were quick to pull  
their funding.

 

>He hadn't expected her to go through the massive energy expenditure  
>of creating a child, even if the mixture with the human life force  
>and genetic material had made it easier, and that child's life, not  
>to mention strength, was nothing short of amazing.

Crow: [Jadeite] Most people just get me a potted plant for my  
office... what the hell am I going to do with a teenager?  
Tom: Embrace the inevitable sitcom?

 

>According to what he'd seen, and what Nodoka knew, the boy was as  
>strong as one of the Seven Shadows, and much, much smarter. The blond  
>grinned evilly. He didn't have much of a power base, with one active  
>subject and another whom he wasn't sure he held much influence over,  
>but what he did have was reasonably formidable.

Crow: And naturally Ranma will have no problem whatsoever working  
for the forces of darkness against the senshi because... uh...  
author, little help here?

 

>Nodoka, for her part, winced at the grin she saw. "Jadeite-sama," She  
>said, tentatively. "You... aren't going to ask me to send Ranma  
>against the Senshi, are you?

Crow: [Jadeite] Well, not right away. I mean, I do have scores of  
low level minions to thin out...

 

>They've grown a lot more powerful since our queen was defeated, and  
>it would be hard for me to get him to move against them."

Tom: [Nodoka] Hell, I can't even move the panda bear, and he's already  
dressed like a youma.  
Mike: Just please spare us the visual image of a panda in a fuku.

 

>Jadeite considered rebuking the Youma before him for questioning him  
>the way she had and then smacked himself in the side of the head.  
>'Don't act like Beryl,' he thought to himself, irritably,

Mike: Send MORE THAN ONE of your minions at a time?  
Crow: That's just crazy talk! 

 

>'she has a good point.' "You're right," he finally said. "I will have  
>to think before doing anything."

Tom: I wouldn't be admitting that thinking wasn't part of previous  
plans to the loyal minion here Jadeite...

 

>Nodoka sighed in relief, standing from her kneeling position before  
>the Dark General, and exiting the Tendo Dojo, where he'd asked to  
>stay until he found a way to return to the Dark Kingdom.

Crow: Have you tried clicking your heels together and repeating  
"There's no place like home...?"  
Tom: Oh, just Google Map it already.

 

>She knew where her loyalties had once been, and took them, and her  
>honor, very seriously, but she really wished that her son wouldn't be  
>involved in all of this.

Tom: Oh. Had no idea the series was supposed to be called Nodoka 1/2.  
Mike: [Nodoka] The greatest gift and honor is having you for a  
daughter.  
Crow: [Ranma] ....

 

>She looked back for only a few seconds, before sliding the Dojo's  
>main door closed, and starting for the house, not noticing a small  
>purple and white blur dashing for the compound wall.

Crow: [Nodoka] And now I get to go back to the house, I should  
really... SQUIRREL!

 

>HR.

Tom: This fanfic is available in high resolution.  
Mike: Wow, I can really see the black levels!

 

>Akane Tendo found Ranma sitting on the roof, looking out at the  
>streets that surrounded the Tendo Dojo, and looking as though his  
>favorite cat eating animal had died.

Tom: Alf is dead!? W-When? How!?

 

>She frowned, having not expected this to be the first thing she came  
>home to, other than a secretive Nabiki and a cheerfully oblivious  
>Kasumi, after a fun sleepover at Yuka's place.

Crow: *Someone* needs to be Senshi fodder to get Ranma mad enough to  
follow Jadeite's commands.  
Tom: (whiny) Mike, the narrative is giving me a headache!  
Mike: Welcome to my world.

 

>"What happened?" She asked, in a somewhat resigned tone, hoping that  
>another fiancee hadn't shown up.

Mike: [Ranma] Khloe Kardashian's marriage is falling through, Dad's  
trying to engage me into their family to increase my "Q-score",  
whatever that is.

 

>"Kuno's right about something," Ranma mumbled back, still staring at  
>the street.

Tom: [Akane] He's bound to be, considering how much money he funnels  
to Nabiki.  
Crow: [Ranma] I'm worried, Akane. Why do I feel like wagging my tail  
every time I see a car drive by down there?

 

>The blue-black haired girl shook her head, climbing up from her  
>room's open window, where she'd originally been observing Ranma, and  
>onto the roof nearby. 

Mike: [Akane] Day 121... I have kept the aquasexual under constant  
observation, the subject appears to be depressed. Will attempt to  
diagnose cause and record findings later.

 

>"Kuno's never right," she objected.  
>  
>Ranma shrugged. "Turns out I'm actually a demon spawn."

Crow: [Akane] Oh... well, good. As long as you aren't engaged again.

 

>Akane blinked several times. "Huh?" She asked, about as articulately  
>as he had earlier.  
>  
>"Earlier today Gos summoned some guy when trying to get a demon to  
>destroy me," the pigtailed martial artist explained. "Turns out he's  
>Mom's old boss, and she's from some demonic army or something."

Crow: [Akane] Sooo, just another Wednesday?  
Tom: [Ranma] Pretty much, yeah. So how was your day?

 

>For a moment, the youngest Tendo wondered if her Fiancee had been hit  
>in the head too hard, but then recalled that there hadn't been any  
>holes in the walls or craters in the back yard. "You're serious?" She  
>asked, stunned.  
>  
>Ranma nodded.

Mike: [Ranma] That's the premise we're running with.  
Tom: [Akane] Do I get magic powers and a fuku at least?  
Mike: [Ranma] No, but you get a Brooklyn accent.

 

>"Well, um," The youngest Tendo offered, not sure what to say. "What's  
>going to happen now?"

Crow: [Ranma] Goofiness. Silliness. Pain. Not necessarily in that  
order.  
Mike: [Ranma] But in a bit, we have to clear forty-five seconds for  
some Hulu ads.

 

>Ranma shrugged. "Dunno," he confessed. "Apparently, all this guy's  
>friends got destroyed by the Sailor Senshi almost twenty years ago,  
>so I guess it's just another strange thing to add onto the  
>collection.

Tom: [Akane] He needs to make new friends. Just not you.

 

>Hopefully, nothin else's gunna come out of it other than Mom turning  
>into a werewolf or something."

Tom: [Akane] You're pretty much the best person in the world for this  
to happen to, your father is already a panda...  
Mike: [Ranma] Yeah, I'm frigging Barnum *and* Ms. Bailey.

 

>Akane rolled her eyes. "That's likely," she noted.  
>  
>"Yeah, I know," Ranma grumbled. "'s why I'm up here, before crap hits  
>the fan again." He leaned back, taking his vision off of the road as  
>the sky began to darken and looking up into the sky.

Crow: [Ranma] Hokay, that's it. TRAINING TRIP!  
Tom: [Akane] Take me with you! Please! I won't cook, I swear!  
Mike Take us too! I want a buddy road 'fic! C'mon, I won't cook  
either!  
Tom: Okay, I'm seriously starting to get scared now.  
Crow: Who's bringing the pickled weiners?

 

>Akane did so as well, somewhat unsteadily and wondering if she was  
>going to fall off of the roof. "I guess you'll see tomorrow," she  
>contributed.

Tom: [Akane] For the psychiatric help, that'll be five cents.  
Mike: [Ranma] You'll see that tomorrow too. Honest.

 

>"Yeah, well, just remember it ain't my fault and don't flatten me  
>into the wall this time, okay Tomboy?" Ranma asked, grinning up at  
>the sky.

Crow: [Akane] That's fine, I have a whole list of "yo' mama" jokes to  
make from this now.

 

>"I don't know," Akane said, smirking herself. "The Sailor Senshi do  
>wear pretty skimpy outfits, you know."

Crow: [Ranma] And that's my fault... how exactly?  
Mike: Akane gets all excited about a woman in uniform...

 

>Ranma just rolled his eyes.

Mike: [Akane] No foolin'! Every time they twirl, you see up their  
skirts, they're wearing such short leotards.  
Crow: [Ranma] How many times have you seen them?!  
Mike: [Akane] Uh, every time I make involuntary withdrawals from the  
coffee shop, or the pharmacy, sometimes when I threaten a hot-dog  
vendor, once in Toronto's Chinatown....

 

>HR.

Tom: Well, maybe it's happy HR?  
Crow: Everybody take a shot!  
Mike: Cool, what's on tap?

 

>Dr. Ami Mizuno rubbed her nose, as the urge to sneeze came, yet was  
>easily suppressed.

Mike: My god, it's so simple! Hah, take that, seasonal allergies!  
You won't win this year!

 

>Taking off her white lab coat, she grimaced down at the grass stains  
>it had accumulated that afternoon, 

Tom: Suddenly we're watching a detergent commercial?

 

>when she'd ended up being knocked over by a demon on  
>her lunch break and had to fight it.

Mike: Oh Lord, it's grade school recess all over again.

 

>"All of our enemies have been gone for fifteen years, and the demons  
>still show up every week or so," she grumbled. 

Crow: If only Ami had thought to destroy the generator, she could've  
avoided years of frustration.  
Tom: [Ami] Dammit, what season are we in now? Shouldn't I be training  
the new generation of senshi in a crappy spinoff by now or something?

 

>Then, she recalled the last thing she'd seen during the fight, and  
>her displeasure got worse.

Mike: [Ami] I am further displeased with my previous recollection!

 

>Pulling the Mercury computer out of its usual subspace hole, she  
>flipped it open, expertly manipulating it to show a large, yellow and  
>grey blob.

Mike: Her wallpaper leaves much to be desired.  
Tom: [Ami] I've had the damn thing for a couple decades, still haven't  
doped out how to change that desktop image...

 

>"Figures," she snorted, closing the device and putting it back.

Crow: Why the hell did the Silver Millennium never advance past  
flip phones?

 

>Walking into the kitchen and putting on a pot of instant noodles, the  
>ice Senshi took out her communicator and hit the all call button,  
>figuring that she would be finished by the time the full conference  
>had gotten together.

Tom: [Ami] SENSHI ROLL-CALL! VENUS! MARS! JUPITER! MOOOON!  
Crow: That's one O! 

 

>As it turned out, she was both correct and incorrect at the same  
>time, as she had finished cooking the noodles by the time the  
>communicator chimed, but when she flipped it open, she only saw six  
>other Senshi and one moon cat.

Tom, Crow: [Senshi] GOOD MORNING, CHARLIE!!!  
Mike: So the others are on standby while Ami works all day? Is she  
paying their rent too?

 

>"Where are Mamoru, Haruka and Luna?" the doctor asked, curiously.

Crow: Serving as the punchline to a very silly bar joke.

 

>"Haruka's racing right now," Michiru answered, and was followed by a  
>massive crash from Artemis's channel.

Tom: [Michiru] Aww... she's fine, just gotta go find the air  
compressor to reinflate her.

 

>"You don't want to know where those two are," he advised, solemnly.

Mike: [Artemis] He's getting a second cup of coffee at Haruka's  
apartment.  
Crow: [Usagi] Mamoru never asks for a second cup of coffee at  
home...

 

>Ami sweat dropped. "Okay..." she said, and then shook her head. "I  
>wanted to call in to report another demon attack in Juuban, and  
>something strange that I saw after it."

Tom: Something strange as opposed to a DEMON ATTACK??? God, I love Japan!

 

>"You called about a demon attack?" Rei asked, looking irritable.  
>"Most of us can vaporize those things in about thirty seconds, and  
>I've got to go on stage in ten minutes."

Mike: On... stage? Oh, is she one of the damsels at "Medieval Times"?  
Crow: [Ami] Oh yeah, silly me. FYI, you might want to adjust your  
nipple shield, it's slipping slightly...

 

>"I'm sure it's important if Ami's called us all about it," Hotaru  
>disagreed. "What did you see?"  
>"I'm pretty sure it was Jadeite," the blue haired Senshi said,  
>quietly. "It's been a while, but the Dark General uniform is pretty  
>distinctive."

Tom: [Ami] If we're going back to the beginning, I hope to hell we're  
not retconned into something completely different.  
Mike: [Mina] What was that, lover?  
Tom: [Ami] Stop that.

 

>"Couldn't have been," Usagi objected, as another crashing noise came  
>from her and Artemis's channels, "We ran him over with an airplane."

Mike: One of the greatest Jackass stunts *ever*.  
Bots: (singing) They tried to kill him with an air-plane! Olé!

 

>"You wha..." Makoto started, astonished.  
>  
>"Well, he tried to do it first," Usagi justified, petulantly.

Crow: And thus started the career of the most bizarre serial killer  
that ever stalked the lands of Japan.

 

>"I knew airplanes were evil," Makoto grumbled, darkly.

Tom: [Makoto] Whitewash them all you want, Disney! I know the truth!  
Mike: [Makoto] The airplanes are just WATCHING you. Ever wonder why  
they hang in the air like that?

 

>"Look, that's not important right now," Ami cut in. "I saw him, and I  
>know I did... unfortunately the Mercury Computer only scanned him as  
>a source of dark energy and some blurred images."

Crow: [Ami] Either that or my webcam really sucks.  
Mike: [Ami] If this thing runs on magic, do you think you can get me  
an upgrade?  
Tom: [Luna] Sorry, you're under contract.

 

>"I don't know," Michiru said. "I would imagine being run over by an  
>aircraft would kill someone rather well."

Mike: Taking notes, Johnny Knoxville?

 

>"Yeah, Ami, you're probably seeing goats," Minako chipped in.

Crow: [Ami as Shaggy] A g-g-g-g-GOAT?!?  
Tom: [Minako] Next thing you know you'll be seeing pink elevators!  
Mike: [Rei] That's only when she dunks and dives.

 

>"That's, um, seeing Ghosts, Mina-chan," Makoto cut in. 

Crow: A disappointed George Clooney departs with no goats to stare at.

 

>"I don't know, but I've got a steak being incinerated over here, can  
>you call if you get any more information?"

Tom: [Usagi] I would but I've got a hot pocket being bombarded with  
radiation right now so it'll have to wait a bit.

 

>"I'll tell Haruka, and see if I can contact Setsuna," Michiru  
>offered. "But you know how easy that is."  
>  
>Ami sighed. "All right, I'll call if I see him again."

Crow: [Michiru] Richard forbid she accept the 15 cent charge for one  
lousy text message...  
Tom, Mike: (singing) Fighting evil by moonlight... jotting memos by  
daylight... their group calendar's a real sight! She is the admin  
Sailor Moon!

 

>The other Senshi nodded, before the communicator's screen snapped  
>off, and the ice Senshi grimaced,

Tom: [Ami] Cheap Japanese crap.

 

>slipping the small device into a pocket. "I don't think I've been  
>told I was seeing things by that many people at once before," she  
>observed, irritably, before starting on her instant noodles.

Crow: You know, for "instant" noodles, they're sure taking their sweet  
time.  
Mike: So this is what happens when middle school magical girls get  
old, ornery, and drunk.

 

>HR.

Tom: Boy, I could just riff on these scene changes for HRs on N.  
Mike: Another 48HRS and maybe we'll get a cameo from Eddie Murphy?

 

>"!" A purple blur ran into the Nekohanten, screaming something  
>incomprehensible at the top of its lungs, finally coming to rest in  
>the back room, leaning against a counter and panting.

Crow: Uh-oh, looks like Shampoo escaped from the hospital again...  
Tom: [Shampoo] WHERE YOU BEEN GRANDMOTHER!? STUPID NURSES TOUCH  
AMAZON BLOOD! I KILL!!!

 

>"Son in law is a what?" Cologne asked, as she sat on top of her  
>staff, stirring a pot of rice with a spoon.

Tom: [Shampoo] Wait a second... Grandmother, aren't we a noodle shop??  
Mike: [Cologne] You saw nothing.

 

>"Airen mother is big, scary wolf demon," Shampoo said, slowly. "She  
>called Youma, and she work for some dark kingdom thing, tell yellow  
>hair man Ranma half demon," the younger Amazon said, slowing down  
>to a somewhat understandable level, despite her broken Japanese.

Crow: [Cologne] Hold on, let me Google this, it'll go much faster...  
Dark Kingdom thing... yellow hair man... Ranma half demon... no, I  
don't want to install Chrome, stop asking me...

 

>Cologne contemplated telling her great granddaughter to speak  
>Chinese, so that she could get a better grasp of the situation, but  
>decided against it. The girl would learn the foreigners' tongue or  
>sound like an idiot, and she wasn't going to coddle her.

Crow: And the narration breaks down into a list of Shampoo's faults.  
Tom: [Cologne] You know my policy! All plot points must be in a  
recognizable language for the narration that we're not even speaking!  
Mike: [Shampoo] Da, babushka.

 

>"I see," the old woman said, removing the spoon and setting it on the  
>counter before stroking her chin.

Tom: [Cologne] A man with yellow hair... could he be on a Quest for  
Glory?

 

>"I have never heard of a 'Youma,' did youu manage to figure out what  
>kind of demon it is through the village's clasification system,  
>child?"

Tom: [Shampoo] You mean Amazon.com?  
(Mike facefaults out of his chair)  
Tom: Oh, like you didn't see that one coming.

 

>"Um," Shampoo said, looking sheepish. "Shampoo forgot."

Crow: [Shampoo] Shampoo busy having life. Shampoo sorry.

 

>The old woman sighed, shaking her head. "Well, the village's rules on  
>this matter are clear, you understand, but I'm going to have to  
>confirm it myself before I can declare your marriage to son in law  
>over."

Tom: [Cologne] Okay Ranma, now for your physical. Turn your head and  
howl.

 

>"You're annulling that sham of a marriage?"

Crow: Cologne's papal vestments are at the Chinese laundry.

 

>Mousse's voice abruptly butted into the scene, as the master of  
>hidden weapons skipped out of the back supply room, holding a can of  
>sauce that the elder had asked him to get.

Mike: [Mousse] Here's your Ragu, you old bat.

 

>"Oh, Shampoo, what a happy occasion this..." The boy immediately  
>stopped in his tracks, his eyes, behind their thick glasses, going  
>wide, before he hit the linoleum floor with a thud and a nose bleed.

Tom: [Cologne] Heh, I don't even need to hit him anymore, his body  
just reacts before I need to.  
Crow: His eyes have their own glasses? Geez, how blind is this guy?

 

>"You may wish to go get some clothing, great granddaughter," Cologne  
>observed. "The customers have gotten enough of a free show for the  
>night."

Mike: [Cologne] You want to see more, it'll be $79.95 a month.

 

>"Aiya..." Shampoo moaned, covering her chest and crotch before  
>immediately running upstairs.

Tom: (singing) Oh, they call her The Streak, fastest thing on two  
feet...  
Mike: [Cologne] Can't tell you how many times I've told that girl,  
they'll pull our license for partial nudity if she keeps dropping her  
britches.

 

>"Told you it was the best place in the district," a brown haired boy  
>who went to Ranma and Akane's school said, as he grinned widely from  
>a seat nearby. "The freshest rumors, and a free show."

Crow: [Dan Cortese] I LOOOOOVE THIS PLACE!  
Tom: Yeah, who needs classy decor or good food? Just have a hot naked  
chick run into the restaurant every night and you're guaranteed  
business.  
Mike: Gordon Ramsay would be proud.

 

>"Uhhuh," his companion, a somewhat older man with very similar  
>features, noted with a glassy eyed stare. "This happens often?"

Mike: All of this is highly pertinent to the plot, when Shampoo  
interrupts a UN Security Council meeting on South Sudan in her  
birthday suit.  
Crow: [Shampoo] Shampoo demand less sanctions, more time! Don't wait  
for my pants, answer Shampoo now!

 

>"More than they'd like to admit," the boy stated cheerfully.

Crow: [boy] Public voyeurism is AWESOME!  
Tom: [man] Screw New York, I HEART JAPAN!

 

>Cologne sighed, sitting on the counter and poking Mousse with her  
>staff, before looking up into the ceiling. "I suppose you are going  
>to be telling your master," she said to empty air.

Mike: [goat] Meeeeeeeeeeeeh...  
Crow: [Cologne] I thought as much.

 

>"Of course," a voice came back immediately.  
>  
>"I don't suppose you could do some damage control on the facts?" The  
>elder asked. 

Crow: (deeply) No! You're just going to have to roll with this. I  
wrote it like this for a reason! Now stop complaining to me and get  
back in the story.

 

>While she quite enjoyed the show around her Son in Law most of the  
>time, it wasn't nearly as much fun if it got too chaotic, and may  
>even hurt someone.

Crow: [Cologne] I'm just here for the possible great-great-great-  
great *gasp*...great-great-grandbabies.

 

>"With my master?" The voice questioned, somehow managing to be both  
>deferential and scathing.  
>  
>"Of course," Cologne said, rolling her eyes. "I hope you know I won't  
>be feeding you extra ramen for a week."

Mike: (deeply) The Flying Spaghetti Monster appreciates your  
dedication, my daughter, but objects strenuously to only one ritual  
offering of tasty noodles.  
Tom: [Cologne] Careful, I have meatballs in high places.

 

>"Aww..." the voice said, before the Amazon matriarch returned her  
>attention to the rice pot, which was ominously boiling.

Tom: But..... it's, ah... supposed to boil?  
Crow: Neglect me, will you? I, the rice pot, am now PISSED.

 

>HR.

Mike: Like sands through the HRglass, so are the scene changes of  
our lives...

 

>"All right," Jadeite grumbled, as he traced a line. "The key rune  
>connects through the locator runes, the power focus rune, and..."

Tom: [Jadeite] For children three years or under? My ass!

 

>As the set of markings drawn on a small mat in the middle of the Dojo  
>flared, incinerating the mat, the dark general grimaced. "Nephrite  
>was always better at this."

Mike: Setting fires to collect on insurance was Nephrite's speciality.

 

>Sitting back, the man contemplated getting another of the few pieces  
>of matting he'd borrowed from the polite homemaker, Kasumi, but shook  
>his head.

Tom: Today on the Polite Homemaker -- what dishes do you serve a  
houseguest who has turned another of your houseguests into a refugee  
from "Twilight"?  
Crow: [Kasumi] Our guest today is Taylor Lautner. I will be feeding  
him my Team Edward mousse... with real pieces of Robert Pattinson's  
kidneys!

 

>At the moment, he simply didn't have the information needed to  
>construct a complex transportation spell to the dark kingdom, and  
>when he had tried to use his simple one again, he had ended up  
>materializing on the building's roof, next to Ranma and a girl he  
>hadn't seen before, who were both staring up at the stars.

Tom: [Ranma] Okay, I'm gonna wish on just ONE more shooting star, but  
if I still have boobs in the morning, I'm switching to wells! 

 

>Unfortunately, all of the tomes that would tell him how to inscribe a  
>trans-dimensional teleportation circle were back in the dark kingdom,  
>with his army of sleeping Youma, and, of course, more importantly,  
>all of his spare clothes.

Mike: You simply can't conquer the world nude.  
Crow: Paris Hilton begs to differ.

 

>Still, he was much more on top of things than he really had a right  
>to be, as he still recalled the secret identities of three of the  
>kingdom's worst enemies, and, hopefully, the Senshi had no idea he  
>was back.

Tom: Who would've suspected Larry, Darryl, and Darryl as Sailor  
Senshi!?

 

>Also, he had somehow ended up stumbling upon some sort of energy  
>treasure trove.

Mike: That is until he managed to find a Metroid.

 

>He had, just for experimentation, drained a small amount of energy  
>from the fat man that was apparently married to Nodoka, and ended up  
>with a similar amount to what a normal human would give when drained  
>to near death.

Tom: [Nodoka] Oh, good one! Now I won't get any work out of him for  
at least a week!  
Crow: [Genma] Sorry, dear! Not my fault! Heh heh... ZZZzzzzzzz...

 

>If he could set up a base of operations here, perhaps he would be  
>able to gain enough power and influence to undermine the Senshi  
>before he had to fight them.

Mike: [Jadeite] First... the "Mutant Registration Act", then the  
"Magical Girl Registration Annex"...  
Crow: He'll need a pair of dark shades first, without them he'll have  
NO chance of fooling anybody.

 

>To him, subtlety had always been best, and now he had all the time in  
>the world. Nodding decisively, he stood and walked over to get  
>another mat, imbuing his finger with energy and beginning to etch the  
>runes again. "Key rune connects..."

Tom: ...to the knee bone!  
All: (singing) Dem runes, dem runes, dem dry runes!

 

>END.

Tom: I, the author, command you!

 

>Again, Please R&R, and we're glad that the readers so far have liked  
>the story. Sorry about this.

Crow: Rest and Relax? Don't mind if I do!

 

>A new chapter for all you guys. Hope you enjoy it, and please tell us  
>what you think.

Crow: All you gals, take a hike!  
Mike: Yeah, go find some CLAMP or My Little Pony to read.  
Tom: Umm... all the guys are reading My Little Pony too.

 

>Chapter 1: A Day in the Life...

Mike: Ladies and Gentlemen... The BEATLES!  
Bots: (screaming)

 

>Jadeite woke sprawled out over a tatami mat with several glowing  
>runes covering its surface, and with a massive backache.

Tom: [Jadeite] That's the last time I trade shots with Kasumi. Oy vey.

 

>Channeling some power into taking care of that, he pushed himself to  
>a kneeling position, looking around to note that he was still in the  
>training hall that he'd been lent to sleep in, and he'd been awakened  
>by the sound of the door to the outside sliding open,

Mike: Breathe, narrator, breathe!

 

>to reveal a blue-black haired girl in a martial arts uniform of some  
>sort who was looking at him curiously.

Mike: [girl] Do you wanna hide a body?

 

>"Oh, sorry," the girl said quickly. "No one told me someone would be  
>in here."

Crow: [girl] Of course no one told me someone wouldn't be in here  
either, so really, it's my fault.

 

>Jadeite rubbed his eyes, getting to his feet, and very thankful that  
>none of the Youma could see him so tired. 

Mike: [Jadeite] Coffffeeeeeeeeeeeeee...  
Tom: [Jadeite] Thank goodness they're all too busy sleeping to see how  
tired I am.

 

>"It's fine," he assured, not really wanting to upset his hosts, and  
>rather familiar with courtesy through his efforts to not get blasted  
>by his queen.

Crow: The world needs far more polite villains.  
Mike: [Jadeite] You're bleeding, here's a clean napkin.

 

>The girl nodded, entering the training hall and walking past him to  
>bow to a shrine nearby. As she did so, her eye caught the runes he'd  
>drawn on the mat on the floor, and she blinked.

Tom: [girl] I spy with my little eye something... satanic?

 

>"What are you doing with that?" She asked, in a combination of  
>curiosity and wariness, wondering if something else magical was going  
>to cause problems.

Tom: If she calls him "Mr. Man" next, I'm leaving.  
Mike: [girl] My parents were killed through the incorrect cleaning of  
a Ouija board.

 

>"I'm trying to construct a portal to go home," the dark general  
>explained.

Tom: In Akane's case, the cake IS a lie.

 

>"It should be done later today." He was, of course, lying through his  
>teeth about the timeframe, but had already been seen acting rather  
>incompetent in the last two days.

Crow: [Girl] We could tell you were a charlatan when you tried to use  
the phone as a meat tenderizer.  
Mike: [Jadeite] I thought it was an electronic model!

 

>"Hmm," the girl noted, bending down to study the sheet. "But," she  
>said, uncertainly, "Shouldn't this one be over here?" She pointed to  
>one of the coordinate runes, and then gestured to an empty space on  
>the mat near the outside edge. "It would fit the pattern better,  
>wouldn't it?"

Mike: [girl] Turn over this tile, a ducky... and the tile in the  
corner, a cute bunny.  
Crow: Jadeite is the only Dark General that would dare to use Memory  
cards to build a spell.

 

>"There's a pattern?" Jadeite asked, confused,

Tom: [girl] Oh, just let me do it or we'll never get this scene  
started!  
Crow: Jadeite, it's YOUR plot to jumpstart. A lycanthropizing Nodoka  
isn't quite enough.

 

>though as he thought about it, her suggested change would likely  
>increase the harmonics of the rune circle.

Tom: Just tap the interocitor with a hammer lightly... I SAID LIGHTLY!

 

>"Yeah, it's like this," the girl said, smiling, and seeming to forget  
>why she was in the Dojo as she started tracing out various changes to  
>the diagram with her hand.

Crow: [girl] Like this... and... there! Oh look, it was a pony!  
Tom: [Jadeite] Holy crap, I found two new foot soldiers AND a  
consigliere? Thanks, authors!

 

>"I... don't see a pattern," the dark general admitted, though he did  
>note that several of the changes she'd recommended sounded workable.

Mike: It's time to send Jadeite to Youma Sesame Street.  
Tom: (singing) Everywhere, I see them there, I stop and stare at  
patterns, I don't care, I must declare, I've got a flair for  
patterns...

 

>"Oh, all right," the blue-black haired girl said, standing and  
>stretching. "I'm going to train on the other side of the room, so be  
>careful if you want to go there, all right?"

Crow: [Akane] I've maimed two strays and the postman. Don't say  
I didn't warn you!

 

>Jadeite nodded, looking down at the runic diagram and trying to  
>puzzle out all of the things the girl had said, when he heard a  
>tremendous splash from outside.

Crow: (thick Asian accent) GOJIRA!!  
Tom: Don't worry, Sailor Jupiter has it covered.

 

>The girl seemed to just roll her eyes, though he was curious, walking  
>to the door and looking out to see the black haired boy, Ranma,  
>fighting what looked to be a giant panda.

Mike: [Ranma] Damn... you... Ling-ling! why... won't... you... BREED?!

 

>As the blond watched, somewhat startled, the very heavy looking  
>animal lept into the air, the boy following, and the two seemed to  
>hang there,

Tom: Ah finally, a crossover we can enjoy! Ranma 1/2 and Kung-Fu  
Panda!  
Crow: [Jack Black] The awesomeness could not be fathomed by the  
most epic dude on his most elite day!

 

>somehow trading their momentum back and forth in what looked to be,  
>and he was pretty sure was, a physically impossible fashion.

Mike: Not really, Neil Degrasse Tyson will cover it in the next  
episode of "Cosmos".  
Tom: And the week following Jamie and Adam will try to reenact it on  
"Mythbusters".

 

>The punches blurred for several seconds, before the Panda saw an  
>opening in Ranma's defense, pouncing on it. This turned out to be a  
>mistake, as the boy grabbed the animal's paw, throwing himself  
>further into the air and sending it splashing into the pond.

Tom, Crow: [koi] HOLY MOSES! INCOMING!!  
Mike: [Jadeite] Wow. And I can't even get a effing rune right.

 

>"Stupid ol' man, got ya again," the martial artist said, smirking, as  
>he settled to a nearby rock, only to be interrupted by a large wave  
>hitting him in the side of the head. "And... why do I always let that  
>happen?" The short redhead that remained griped.

Crow: [Ranma] Oh right, my contract demands each episode consists of  
at least 33% fanservice.

 

>"Because you have always been, and will always be, sloppy boy," a  
>sign pulled out by the animal proclaimed.

Tom: [Genma-Panda] *scribble* "Hey Mr. Author! *scribble* Ease up on  
the dialogue... *scribble* I can only pack away... *scribble* so much  
wood!"

 

>"Right," the redhead grumbled. "Shut up, ol' man."  
>  
>She and the panda turned to the house, the latter shaking its fur as  
>best it could to dry off, as Jadeite gaped from the Dojo door.

Crow: [Genma, holding sign] You just love bears with big butts, eh?  
Mike: [Jadeite] I see people turn into youma all the time but THIS is  
just SHOCKING!

 

>"Stupid showoff," he heard a voice from behind him, and turned to see  
>the girl in the fighting outfit, though she was grinning while she  
>said it. "Hey, are you a martial artist? I could use a morning spar."

Tom: [Jadeite] No, I graduated with a BA in sociology, I'm more of a  
barista.

 

>The man frowned. "Unfortunately, I don't have my sword with me," he  
>answered, immediately getting a grimace from the girl.

Mike: Here, Jadeite, I've got a Swiss army knife. Now go get 'em!  
Crow: [Jadeite] You'll have to settle for my insults. You fight like  
a dairy farmer! 

 

>At his inquisitive look, she blushed. "I don't really like sword  
>users that much, usually," she admitted, shuddering as she could have  
>sworn she heard the sound of a thunder clap from nearby.

Tom: [Akane] Hear that? It's the sound of electric-type Pokemon.  
Crossover deluge is on the way.  
Mike: [Jadeite] Farmer's Almanac said that it'd be a year with  
frequent crossover activity.

 

>The general merely tilted his head for a moment, before the voice of  
>the oldest Tendo rolled across the yard. "Akane-chan, Jadeite-san,  
>breakfast is ready!"

Crow: [Kasumi] I decided to pick up McDonalds. Be sure to eat the  
hash browns before they fuse permanently with the paper wrapper they  
came in!  
Mike: [Akane] Ah, Sausage McMuffins... you are pure crack. I love you.

 

>The girl, who was apparently Akane, grinned widely and dashed past  
>him. Shrugging, the blond followed her.

Tom: Apparently, we've only been pretending it's been Jennifer  
Lawrence for the last fifteen minutes.

 

>HR.

Tom: Uh-oh, HR's on the case... and they've finished the 'fic with  
outsourced temps.  
Mike: Akene melt and fell with much hurtingness. Mebbe awlways and  
with Genma fowl. Just anontherr day in Nermia.

 

>Breakfast at the Tendo home was an interesting event, Jadeite  
>thought. It seemed, for the most part, like any other breakfast,  
>aside from the fact that

Crow: ...Guy Fieri kept eating everybody's food.

 

>all of the servings, aside from his and the girl known as Nabiki's,  
>were enough to fill most people up for an entire day.

Mike: [Jadeite] Trust me, a plate with five crickets is enough to make  
me swear off food for the next twenty-four hours.  
Tom: Kasumi's bulking up for her role as Psylocke in the next X-film.

 

>Also, Ranma, who had changed back to male form, and his father, who  
>was still a panda, were having what looked like a chopstick based  
>fencing match over their portions, while Nodoka frowned at them  
>disapprovingly.

Tom: [Nodoka] You realize my husband is technically endangered, right?

 

>The dark general tuned out most of the small talk, enjoying a quite  
>delicious meal, until someone addressed him directly.

Mike: [Jadeite] A chess tournament in Canada!? Oh, I am SO THERE!

 

>"So, Jadeite-san," Mr. Tendo said, from behind his newspaper, "What  
>do you plan on doing today?"

Crow: [Jadeite, thinking] Don't say "your daughters"... don't say  
"your daughters"... 

 

>The dark general thought for a moment. He wasn't inclined to tell a  
>group of mostly normal humans his true goals, but then they already  
>knew that he was a general who had formerly been under the command of  
>a woman who meant to take over the planet, and had greeted the  
>revelation with the same amount of surprise as would be seen if he'd  
>mentioned that he was Austrian.

Crow: Ironically enough, he did make good on his vow that he would be  
back.

 

>Nabiki smirked. "You're not going to try and take over the world in  
>your old mistress's place, are you?" She asked, only half joking.  
>"Then we'd end up having to fix the house again when Ranma went all  
>hero to stop you."

Mike: [Nabiki] Saving the world from evil simply isn't worth the costs  
of living.  
Crow: [Jadeite] We've had two prologues to establish that I don't  
exactly have an active lifestyle to match my active blond hair.

 

>"Hey, I'd help too," Akane objected, irritably.  
>  
>"Great, up go the repair bills," Nabiki smirked evilly, getting a  
>glare from her sister.

Mike: [Akane] Love and peace, love and peace, love and peeeeeaaaaaace!  
Tom: [Kasumi] How can that girl be Akane the Stampede?

 

>Nodoka frowned at the middle Tendo, wishing that she would show  
>Jadeite-sama some respect, though she supposed the girl really didn't  
>have any reason to.

Mike: [Nodoka] He didn't even last before the fourth senshi was  
introduced... that barely qualifies for first level sub-boss.  
Crow: [Jadeite] For some reason, I'm compelled to pull on my tie...

 

>Still, she seemed sorely lacking in common politeness, at least when  
>she wanted to be blunt. "Nabiki-chan," she rebuked gently, but it  
>seemed to roll off of the girl's back.

Crow: [Nabiki] Screw it, if the story isn't going to move along, I'm  
providing my own entertainment!

 

>"I wouldn't be able to take over the planet if I wanted to," Jadeite  
>explained. "Without Metalia's power, the conventional armies would  
>stop my Youma forces eventually, and there would be too many losses."

Crow: Realpolitik... as presented by Japanese animation!  
Tom: [Jadeite] Besides, I've heard that the term "lebensraum" is  
verboten around here.

 

>"You mean he was actually considering it?" Soun mumbled, from behind  
>his paper.  
>  
>"At the moment, I want to scout out the area for resources,

Mike: Gold, wood, ore, crystal, vespene gas, goodie huts....  
Tom: "Be Prepared" is Jadeite's motto, but when he says it, it kind of  
sounds like Scar.

 

>and perhaps get enough energy to revive the Youma. I'm sure that even  
>in stasis sleep, they might be running out soon." The man explained,  
>gravely.

Crow: [Nabiki] Okay, I'll be here watching TV and totally not stopping  
you from conquering the world... oh wait, that wasn't sarcastic. Or  
maybe it was.  
Mike: [Jadeite] You're deep.  
Crow: [Nabiki] Yet, you're not.

 

>Nodoka paled. "I... never realized," she said, worried.  
>  
>"Youma," Ranma cut in, though only after swallowing his meal.

Crow: Jerry Lewis should hold a telethon.  
Tom: [Nodoka] Heh, guess I should've checked in with the office more  
often, huh?

 

>Several glares from his mother over the months had helped  
>immeasurably with that. "Wolf people, like Mom?"

Tom: No, Mole people, like Sylvia.  
Crow: That reminds me, whose turn is it to take Nodoka for walksies?

 

>"Not all Youma are wolf-like," Nodoka explained, patiently. "We have  
>many different forms,

Crow: [Nodoka] We have tiger, bear, angry hippopotamus... My Little  
Pony...  
Mike: [Nodoka] Gotta catch us all!

 

>though we're mostly classified as other-dimensional beings who need a  
>source of external energy other than food to live."

Tom: Classified by who? The Enterprise Computer?  
Crow: They're called "White Castle Sliders". And you'll wish you had  
the energy to refuse them.  
Mike: You'd need the energy just to keep them down.

 

>"Oh," Ranma said, slightly confused, but mostly understanding.  
>  
>"Do you have any idea how long we would have to get the energy to  
>them?"  
>The auburn haired woman asked, concerned.

Crow: Just wait until their buzz starts harshing, then come in with  
the Doritos.

 

>Jadeite shook his head. "I didn't feel much in them," he explained.  
>"Maybe a year, given how long it's been already."

Tom: You sure they don't all just have Mono?

 

>"So, wait," Akane said, suddenly thinking of something. "They can  
>sleep for twenty years, and they take life force to live?" She  
>blinked. "I wonder if Happosai's one?"

Tom: [Nodoka] No, he's a Sith Lord. Keep your crossovers straight!

 

>Nodoka flinched violently. "I hope not," she let herself say, before  
>realizing what she'd said and raising a hand to her mouth.

Crow: [Nodoka] Oh god, I just gave a bad fanfic idea to a random  
author! If it comes to fruition, I'll be responsible!!  
Tom: The senshi would never get past the transformation sequences  
before it all went to hell...

 

>"There could be another living Youma?" Jadeite asked, interestedly.  
>  
>"Trust me, ya don't want anything to do with the old freak," Ranma  
>cut in, quickly. "I don't care if he's human or not, he's a twisted  
>little monster."

Mike: Truly the Youma are the Garbage-Pail Kids of anime.

 

>"You're just saying that because of the fr..." Nabiki started, before  
>getting cut off by one of the most intense glares she'd ever  
>received. "I... think I'll be going to school now," she said,  
>quietly, standing to leave the house.

Tom: [Jadeite, stage whisper] She's the first against the wall.  
Crow: [Nabiki] This crowd's too tough, I'll save my snark for Twitter.

 

>"Oh, she's right, school's going to start soon!" Akane exclaimed,  
>shooting to her feet. "Come on, Ranma!"

Tom: Wonder if Nodoka will consent to being Akane's show-and-tell  
exhibit today.

 

>"Okay, I'm comin," Ranma grumbled, polishing off his and Akane's  
>bowls more quickly than Jadeite could see and running after the girl  
>as she charged down the hall and out of the house.

Tom: [Nodoka] Finally. Kasumi, can you please bring me the bag of  
bacon strips in the cupboard?  
Mike: [Kasumi] Oh my, Mrs. Saotome. Did you know that dogs don't  
know it's not bacon?  
Tom: [Nodoka] What does it say!? I can't READ!

 

>HR.

Crow: This scene change has been redacted in the name of national  
security. You read nothing. Move along, citizen.

 

>Tatewaki Kuno always loved a good round of posing.

Tom: (singing) When it comes crashing down and it HURTS INSIDE...!  
Crow: [Kuno] WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN KUNOMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU!!!

 

>In fact, he had even done a couple dramatic poses on his way to  
>school this morning, including thunder claps, just for the practice.

Mike: [Storm] Charles, I beg you, let me KILL HIM NOW.

 

>Today, he felt, was a very good time to be posing dramatically. He  
>had found Saotome's ultimate weakness.

Crow: A VHS copy of Tootsie?

 

>To think, after hours of information gathering, (by Sasuke,) and  
>researching, (also by Sasuke,) he would finally use the sorcerer's  
>foul magic against him, and in the same way as the beautiful warrior  
>soldiers who had once banished demons of this ilk before.

Crow: Okay, 'fic, I am NOT picturing Kuno in a Sailor Scout uniform.  
Tom: Urrrgh... too late... avenge me... *thud*

 

>For a moment, he let himself slip off into a fantasy of thanking the  
>dark haired beauty for her help in his noble quest, and then  
>proposing marriage to her, when he was jolted out of his musings by  
>the steadily approaching sight of the fiend himself, dragging the  
>poor, defenseless Akane Tendo behind in some invisible spell.

Tom: Either Kuno's completely snapped at this point or he's LARPing  
hardcore.  
Mike: Hey Kuno, mind using your sword to cut some of the clauses out  
here?

 

>"Halt, you disgusting blight upon the world of men," the blue thunder  
>proclaimed, bringing his family Katana into a ready stance.

Crow: [Ranma] Aw dude, don't drag your family Katana into this...

 

>Saotome immediately did so, eying the live steel nervously, though  
>trying, in vain, to conceal it.

Mike: [Ranma, thinking] That sword is priceless and I just KNOW that  
idiot is going to make me destroy it... what do I do!?

 

>"What do you want, Kuno?" He growled, irritably.

Tom: [Kuno] A threesome! Haven't I made that abundantly clear by now!?

 

>"I have found out what, in truth, you are!" The Blue Thunder  
>proclaimed, swinging the blade up to point at his hated enemy.

Mike: [Kuno] An anthropomorphic dog, who with his canine mother is  
trying to take over the world!  
Tom: [Akane] Wow, surprisingly astute.  
Crow: [Ranma] Woof. Err, I mean shut up.

 

>"Now, I shall destroy you and my two beloveds will throw themselves  
>into my arms!"

Tom: [Kuno] And then my double clothesline will be complete!  
Mike: [Kuno] I'm doing this for you, Kate Upton and Jack McBrayer!

 

>Saotome rolled his eyes, showing his contempt for the nobility of the  
>Kuno family. "Okay, get on with it," he said, standing with his  
>hands in his pockets and giving off an irritating smirk.

Crow: [Kuno] Hold up, I feel the urge to pose again. Give me five...  
ten minutes, tops!  
Mike: So this is all from Kuno's perspective? Talk about an  
unreliable narrator...

 

>"Then I shall," Kuno declared, aiming his blade at the heavens, and  
>causing a thunder clap before removing a paper from his top.

Tom: Sheesh Kuno, why are you padding your bra?

 

>As he spoke the next few words, he began taking up poses that he felt  
>were apt for them.

Tom: [Kuno] *turn* I am! *turn* A man! *turn* Of the sea!  
Crow, Mike: [Akane and Ranma] ...

 

>"Rin, Pyou, Tou, Sha, Kai, Jin, Retsu, Zai, Zen! Akuryo Taisan!"

Crow: [Ranma] Ahh... gesundheit?  
Tom: Ah geez, the subtitles are down again. Quick, someone fix them  
before the dubbing kicks in!

 

>"Wha..." Saotome asked, obviously trying to hold himself there, as he  
>was trembling in terror, and having difficulty breathing.

Mike: Pregnant women and Youma should not take Akuryo Taisen for any  
length of time.

 

>Still, he managed to dodge mostly out of the way of the spirit ward  
>that was sent hurtling at his face, it managing to catch him in the  
>right shoulder.

Crow: Brought down by 3M Sticky Notes.  
Tom: Now THAT's 3M Innovation!

 

>The effects were immediate, as the divine energy lashed across the  
>sorcerer's body causing him to convulse in pain. Within moments, he  
>began to shift, and was about to reveal his true form,

Mike: Ethel Merman?  
Crow: Dark Helmet?  
Tom: Russell Brand?

 

>when a fist streaked in from out of nowhere, knocking the True  
>Blunder out cold.

Tom: [Kuno] Thou halfwit author, practice thineself some narrative  
neutrality! *thunk*  
Crow: [Ranma] (glances at his fist) Huh. I guess that still works.

 

>"Ranma?" Akane asked, slowly, walking towards the other martial  
>artist, who was clearly in pain, and ignoring Kuno where he fell.  
>"Are you all right?" She knew it was a pretty stupid question, but  
>had no idea what to do.

Tom: [Akane] Wasn't I awesome? One punch and he's out cold! Yeah,  
girl power! WHOO!  
Mike: [Ranma] You... you... *did something*?!  
Tom: [Akane] I know, right!? 

 

>She reached out to try and pull the ward off of his shoulder, but a  
>shock of electricity ran through her hand, and she jerked it back in  
>surprise.

Tom: [Ranma] Da'cha!

 

>"Maybe I should go get elder Cologne," she mumbled, and was about to  
>try and yank the ward off again, when Ranma's body exploded in a  
>dark, nebulous aura, and the ward was instantly incinerated.

Crow: Uh, yay?  
Tom: [Akane] Well... that kills three birds with one stone. No more  
paper, no more shoulder, no more fiance...

 

>The pigtailed martial artist seemed to clutch at the left side of his  
>chest for a moment, before his body began to rapidly shift, reforming  
>the same way his mother's had the day before, into a large, white  
>furred wolf creature,

Mike: And before you know it, he broke up three debates on the FFML.  
Crow: And from that day forward, "Nermia" was forever spam-free.  
Tom: [Akane] Wow... can I ride you?  
Mike: [Akane] All I need now is for Dr. Tofu to become a vampire and  
my life will be complete!

 

>his red and black clothing rippling and shifting into what looked  
>like thin body armor.

Crow: Phew, and here I thought it turned into a Starfleet Security  
uniform.

 

>"Uh..." Akane said, backing away uncertainly. "Ranma?"

Mike: [Akane] You're not gonna attack me with a Celestial Brush now,  
are you?

 

>The large wolf creature turned to her, looking at her speculatively.  
>"What's wrong, Tomboy?" It asked, in a voice that sounded like  
>Ranma's, only slightly lower.

Mike: [Akane] All of my crossover dreams come true! My Remus Lupin  
has arrived!  
Crow: [Ranma] No, I'm not...  
Mike: [Akane] Shut up or no milkbone.

 

>"Yup, definitely Ranma," Akane growled. "You do know you just turned  
>into a giant wolf demon, right?"

Tom: [Ranma] Aw crap! Is it noticeable?  
Crow: [Ranma] No, I just hit puberty and THANK YOU for m-making me  
all the more self-conscious! (sobbing)

 

>Ranma blinked, looking down at himself and noting the change. "Was in  
>a bit too much pain from the spirit ward ta notice," he admitted.  
>"Thanks for gettin Kuno, by the way."

Crow: [Ranma] And if you ever mention that to anyone, I'll eat ya.  
Tom: Michael Jordan and Ranma Saotome... up next in "Air-Wolf!"  
Special Guest: Jan-Michael Vincent.

 

>"Well, you're taking this well," The blue-black haired girl drawled,  
>trying to be surprised but failing spectacularly.

Tom: [Akane] I'm barely phased that you don't care. And if someone  
douses you with cold water, I wouldn't bat an eye if you ended up  
with six tits.  
Crow: [Ranma] More like ten.

 

>"I'm not a girl," Ranma explained. "Besides, Mom turned into this and  
>then turned back, so I'll just ask her when I get home."

Mike: [Nodoka] You want to transform back? Let me introduce you to  
Mr. Gillette Fusion. You and him will be best buddies for the next  
three hours.  
Tom: [Kasumi] And don't you dare clog the drain, or I'll tie you up in  
the backyard!  
Crow: [Ranma] *whine*

 

>"Of course," Akane rolled her eyes, before the bell rung. "Well, if  
>you're taking this so well, let's go to class. No need to be late."

Tom: [Akane] And once the school empties out, fleeing in terror from  
your horrible visage, we can play cards all day!

 

>"Wait, ya mean I coulda gotten outta class?" Ranma whined, before he  
>was grabbed by the arm by Akane and pulled into the school. 

Crow: [Ranma] But I didn't do my homework! Ah hell, I'll just say I  
ate it.  
Mike: Does this make him the class pet now?

 

>Nearby, the students who had stayed outside to watch the fight  
>shrugged, exchanged the various money they had had riding on the  
>events, and followed.

Mike: Who exactly bet money on 'Ranma turns into a werewolf and Akane  
saves his ass?'  
Crow: [Nabiki] Good heavens, I could've run a pool on what species  
they'd be after fighting? Stupid, stupid!

 

>HR.

Crow: Okay, folks, this is the eleventh HR, if anything going to save  
this fanfic, it better happen soon.

 

>Jadeite's eyebrow twitched as another piece mysteriously appeared on  
>the board ahead of him.

Crow: [Jadeite] Come on, there's nothing on the card about TWO hotels.  
Tom: [Nabiki] They're called Trump TOWERS for a reason.

 

>"Are you sure that you explained the rules correctly?" He asked,  
>irritably, as the white bandanna wearing man across from him seemed  
>to grin smugly. "I don't see how my side can possibly compete if the  
>first player gets two turns for every one of the second."

Crow: Someone's going to become poor before he understands three-card  
Monte.  
Mike: Naww.... Civ V, emperor difficulty.  
(All knowingly nod)

 

>"It's a strategic challenge!" Genma Saotome exclaimed. "You have to  
>fight with fewer forces and less time to prepare, only the experts  
>can really master playing second."

Tom: [Jadeite] And the fact that there's money on it...?  
Mike: [Genma] More reason for you to FOCUS!

 

>"Then why did you start me out that way?" The dark general protested,  
>before he noticed his opponent palming another piece. Annoyed, he  
>lifted a finger and discharged a stream of dark energy through it,  
>causing the piece to poof into sawdust.

Crow: I had no idea that they published the board game version of  
Calvinball.

 

>"I believe you've been lying to me this entire game, and don't know  
>why I agreed to play rather than doing my job."

Mike: [Genma] Double or nothing.  
Tom: [Jadeite] You're on, fatass!

 

>The blond man lined the pieces up neatly on his side of the board,  
>before standing and turning to see an image from the lowest circle of  
>hell staring back at him.

Crow: [Donald Trump] Is that Monopoly? I've got winner.

 

>He staggered back from the massive, demonic looking face for a  
>moment, before it opened its mouth.  
>  
>"Why did you destroy one of my Shoji tiles?" It yelled,

Crow: The first challenge to your coming rule of the Earth, Jadeite,  
how do you handle it?  
Mike: [Jadeite] Nodoka! Sic 'em! ... ... no, he doesn't want to  
throw the tennis ball so you can fetch it.

 

>and he paused, extending his senses and seeing a large, life energy  
>fueled, construct before him. Sighing, he raised one hand, driving it  
>into the demon's forehead, and siphoning off the energy that had been  
>powering it to reveal Soun Tendo, his eyes brimming with tears. "My  
>Shoji set..." he moaned, crying softly.

Crow: [Jadeite] You guys are lame, I should move out and find my own  
place.

 

>Jadeite snorted, turning and stalking out the door to the side yard,  
>before heading for the front gate.

Tom: Who gave him the cocaine?  
Mike: Sorry. I just wanted him to do *something*.

 

>He really shouldn't have let the idiots distract him, but at least he  
>had gotten some energy out of it.

Crow: It's like finding a penny and thinking to yourself, "I'm closer  
to Bill Gates' wealth than EVER BEFORE!"

 

>As he stepped out onto the street, a shiver ran down his spine, and  
>he turned just as... something... landed in front of him, balanced  
>atop a stick.

Tom: [Jadeite] Oh boy, a WWF Ice Cream Bar! I haven't had one of  
those in ages!

 

>"Well, your danger sense is better than the son-in-law's, I'll give  
>you that," the... thing... cackled.

Crow: [Jadeite] Are you 1 or 2?

 

>"Who are you?" The dark general demanded, having lost most of his  
>patience dealing with Soun and Genma.

Mike: [thing] Hey, watch your tone or it's clobberin' time!

 

>The shriveled figure before him nodded at him. "I am elder Ku Lon of  
>the Joketsuzoku, and I would like to ask you the same," it introduced  
>itself.

Tom: [Jadeite] Cologne? Are you German?  
Crow: [Ku Lon] No, but when my sister moved to France, she was called  
Eau de Toilette.

 

>"Dark General Jadeite of the Dark Kingdom." The man nodded back.  
>  
>Cologne looked over the blond's rather crumpled military looking  
>uniform, and nodded. "One of those outfits that wants to take over  
>the planet?" She asked. "I have to say, your name isn't very subtle."

Crow: [Jadeite] We tried reselling Girl Scout cookies first... but  
they have very effective lawyers.

 

>Jadeite's eyebrow twitched. "I don't want to take over the planet,"  
>he said, omitting the 'not yet.' "I want to recover my forces and  
>maybe pursue some revenge on a group that killed my comrades."

Mike: [Cologne] Pursuing revenge? You know that this isn't a  
Dragonball crossover, right?  
Tom: [Jadeite] It's not? Wait, you're not Trunks?

 

>"Hmm," The thing, which Jadeite tentatively identified as an old  
>woman, mumbled. "I'll need to get some information from you, however  
>I suppose I and mine likely won't stop you so long as you don't  
>endanger human lives."

Tom: [Cologne] Just let me splash them with Jusenkyo water first, then  
hack away.  
Crow: Cologne is truly the Mother Teresa of Ranma 1/2.

 

>"You want information?" Jadeite asked, his eyebrow raising. "I will  
>trade what I know for what you know," he offered.

Mike: You know what this means....  
Crow and Tom [as valley girls] SLUMBER PARTY!!

 

>The old woman grinned, the sight actually causing the seasoned  
>general to flinch a little. 

Crow: [Jadeite] The horrors of war I can handle, but the toothless  
maw of an old crone? That's some serious PTSD.

 

>"That seems acceptable," she said, and began to hop away. "We can  
>talk at my restaurant."

Tom: It was sad just before Maggie Thatcher passed... seeing "dark  
generals" everywhere, trying to ride on a stick, thinking she was in  
Japan...

 

>HR.

Tom: [Cologne] Oh, watch your step, we keep getting random letters  
dropped everywhere in the narrative.  
Crow: [Jadeite] I'll keep an eye out for that, my foot got caught in  
the "R".

 

>"I can't believe it," Ranma snickered, as he, still looking like a  
>wolf man, and Akane walked home from school. "How did you manage to  
>set the desk on fire?"

Crow: You give it enough gas, *everything's* flammable.  
Tom: [Akane] The teacher looked at me! I had to think fast and tossed  
the cig inside!

 

>The girl blushed. "I was drawing some symbols I saw this morning,"  
>she explained. "There are all these little patterns they go in. I got  
>one to actually start glowing, so I tried a different one, and..."  
>  
>"It blew up a desk," Ranma finished for her.

Mike: [Akane] Shut up and pass the marshmallows.

 

>"I wouldn't be joking about that, big bad wolf," Akane shot back. "Or  
>do you not remember sending Hinako-sensei screaming?"

Tom: [Ranma] How could I forget? I threw her about seventy-five feet!  
Mike: [Akane] I still say it was going through the window that started  
the screaming.

 

>"How was I supposed ta know she'd read Grimm's fairy tails  
>yesterday?" the martial artist justified. "Besides, I'm not the one  
>who caused the property damage for once, I'm enjoyin the feeling."

Crow: So, um, NOBODY else is commenting or reacting to Ranma having  
changed into a wolf?  
Tom: [Ukyou] Can I pet you? What? He's soft and cuddly!

 

>"Jerk," Akane muttered, crossing her arms as the two turned onto the  
>street where the Tendo dojo was. Ranma was about to shoot back, when  
>a ladle full of water caught him in the face.

Mike: [Ranma] What the?? Throw the water next time, not the utensils!

 

>HR.

Crow: Heroin Runners. Next week on FX.

 

>Jadeite entered the Tendo compound, feeling vaguely like he'd just  
>lost spectacularly,

Tom: [Jadeite] I can't believe I bet the farm on Japan... I'll never  
watch a soccer game again!

 

>especially since the teleportation spell components he'd received  
>matched almost exactly those that the youngest Tendo had suggested  
>earlier, with the only difference being that these ones took a little  
>more energy.

Mike: [Jadeite] Okay, I've got... a slinky, a diet soda, a small  
generator, and no self-esteem. Let's get magicking!  
Tom: [Akane] Too much accomplishment. Jadeite, you suck.  
Mike: [Jadeite] Aww...  
Tom: [Akane] Good, *now* you have no self-esteem.

 

>The worst part was that, other than the aforementioned teleport spell  
>information, the woman either didn't know, or wasn't willing to tell,  
>anything that was useful to him.

Crow: [Jadeite] Can't you even give me the weather report for the next  
two days? It's not like I'm asking for "Game of Thrones" spoilers.

 

>Granted, the information she had wanted wasn't terribly valuable to  
>him, though she seemed very pleased by it, and he had gotten basic  
>rundowns on the most major threats in the area, but the feeling that  
>he'd lost far more than he'd gained would not go away.

Tom: The more the plot goes by, the more that Jadeite thinks he's  
missed.  
Mike: Yeah, I can grok that.

 

>At least, he thought it was likely that there weren't any magical  
>girls in the area, with the exception, as Cologne had so eloquently  
>put it, of Ranma, and her great granddaughter, who apparently turned  
>into a cat.

Crow: Cologne had NO idea that Shampoo's power would be so viral in  
the second decade of the 2000s.  
Tom: [Shampoo] I'm the queen of Imgur!

 

>"Oh, hello Jadeite-san, how was your day?" Kasumi Tendo asked, from  
>the kitchen, and looking noticeably startled.

Mike: [Jadeite] Nothing happened and things remained uncombusted. It  
was lame.  
Crow: [Kasumi] Sounds like my senior year of high school.

 

>Jadeite just nodded and smiled at her noncommittally, and was heading  
>through the living room on the way to the Dojo when he heard two  
>voices call out "We're home!"

Mike: Jadeite's so proud, Kasumi taught him how to make ramen today  
and he can't wait to show everyone.

 

>One was Akane Tendo's, and she sounded rather amused, while the other  
>was Ranma's female form's, and she definitely did not. Turning as he  
>was about to exit into the side yard, the dark general blinked at  
>what he saw.

Tom: [Jadeite] A... a gate! I have no clue how to go through one of  
these! Dammit, I'm still stuck here!

 

>Akane was relatively normal, save the fact that one of her uniform's  
>sleeves was a little scorched, and she had a bandage on her arm.  
>Ranma, on the other hand, looked rather unusual, having apparently  
>acquired a set of canine ears on top of her head.

Mike: [Ranma] There were these... zoo animals running past... large  
rat... huge turtles with weapons... next thing I know, I've got neon-  
green gunk on me... 

 

>Her hair had also grown down to the base of her back and turned a few  
>shades lighter, almost pink. 

Crow: 'My Little Werewolf' will be back right after these messages...  
Tom: [Jadeite] That's... it? I was expecting hair, lots of hair!  
Battle fangs dripping with poison! A huge furry tail, hackles as  
high as a roof, and bad dog odor!

 

>To top off the strange changes, her finger nails, on the one hand  
>that wasn't clenched into a fist, were rather long.

Tom: Ah yes, the sure sign of female demonic possession, freakishly  
long fingernails!  
Crow: She'll scratch your eyes out...from a distance!

 

>Everyone went silent for a moment, only one exclamation of "Oh, my,"  
>coming from Kasumi, before Nodoka exploded up from her seat at the  
>dining table and flung herself at her child, crying as though she  
>were Soun.

Mike: [Nodoka] Oh no! The author made you CUTE! Now you'll never be  
taken seriously!  
Tom: We bought a pneumatic catapult and dammit, we're going to use it!

 

>"Oh no, my baby!" she exclaimed. "This is why I always wanted you to  
>be manly! 

Mike: So, if he was more manly, his wolf form would protect him from  
the senshi... HOW exactly?  
Crow: By marking more territory, making the Senshi pause before  
chasing.  
Mike: [Dr. Evil] Rrrright.

 

>I don't want the Senshi to throw an evil Glowing Frisbee of Death at  
>you!"

Tom: Jadeite just put his head in his hands, shaking it slowly.  
Crow: [Ranma] Relax, mom. This isn't a TRON crossover.

 

>Ranma blinked several times, before looking over at Akane, who just  
>shrugged back at her, helplessly. "Um, Mom, it's okay?" She said,  
>hugging the woman back and patting her gently.

Tom: [Ranma] The authors will never run out of prologues, I won't be  
in any real danger. 

 

>END.

Crow: YES.  
Mike: But there's so many threads unresolved, what with Gosunkugi  
disappearing, Kuno's odd new spiritual powers....  
Tom: Akane's sudden competence in a fanfic, Nodoka's role in the new  
world order if Jadeite ever gets off his butt to start it...

 

>Note: A lot of our fics work under the concept that Nerima, and its  
>residents including Ranma and his friends, aren't nearly as prone to  
>taking everything as it comes as they actually are in the Manga.

Crow: But for this fic, they decided to make an exception.

 

>If you're wondering why this fic's still mostly light in spite of  
>Ranma mutating into a wolf creature, just watch/read the series.  
>These people barely batted an eye at Mousse taking a giant Tanuki  
>statue on a date.

Mike: The tanuki statue was more energetic than Jadeite.

 

>The more laid back Nerima's easier for this fic to take place in, and  
>things will eventually get a bit more dramatic, maybe... possibly...  
>okay, we're lying.

Tom: The fic will continue to be duller than a Harrison Ford  
interview.  
Crow: Conflict? Reader's avatar, or even a reader's advocate? Who  
needs 'em?  
Mike: Hey guys, up for some decorating?

[Mike picks up Tom as he and Crow depart the theater]

\---Satellite of Love

The bridge of the Satellite of Love was even more cluttered than  
usual. The walls, typically filled with bric-a-brack, had marks of  
all colors and sizes. The counter looked like a rainbow had mugged it  
and failed to find money. Mike's jumpsuit had paint all over the  
front, and Tom and Crow were similarly colored.

"So this is how you're supposed to decorate in order to do a  
teleport spell, right?" Mike asked. "I've been putting these up all  
day long and I still haven't figured where to put them!"

"Runes are serious business, Mike," Crow remarked. "Maybe they need  
to be more chartreuse?"

"Hahaha!" Tom chortled. "You just don't understand how to place  
runes! It just takes a keen eye to figure these things out! I  
figured out how to make fire!"

Crow shook his head as Mike looked around frantically. "Fire?  
That's even worse than being stuck up here, Tom! Put it out! Where'd  
you stick them?"

Tom attempted to shrug as best as possible. "They're under the  
counter."

Mike bent down and looked. He pulled something out from under the  
counter and put it up on the counter. "See? Look at that hot stuff!"  
Tom remarked. Mike sighed and turned off the hot plate.

"What do you think, sirs?"

 

\---Deep Thirteen

"We're branching out, Frank! Remember that experiment that I ran on  
you a while back..."

Frank looked at Dr. F warily. "The one that replaced my blood with  
radiator fluid?"

"No, patsy, the one that made you so dizzy and messed up that you  
couldn't speak coherent English for an entire week."

"Ohhh, when you forced me to watch 'E!' for a week without sleep....  
it wasn't so bad through day two, but I thought that the walls were  
crawling with fanged Kardashians for a month..." Frank reminisced. As  
the realization hit, he grimaced quickly. "Uhh, why Dr. F?" Frank  
asked darkly.

"Because our picture service is so successful, we need to garble the  
instructions too!" Dr. F replied. "How incoherent can I make you?"

"Eep?" Frank squeaked as he pushed the button.

\--FWOOSH!--

o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na...."

All comments and criticism about this MST will be gratefully  
appreciated and accepted at:  
zoogz@yahoo.com  
megane67@rogers.com  
Follow us on Twitter at (@ZoogzMST) (@MSTerMegane67) 

My deepest thanks to my coauthor, Megane 6.7, who as always provides  
terrific riffs, host segment ideas, motivation, editing and  
formatting, and an ear to bend. His and my MSTings are all available  
at:

http://www.nabiki.com/mst

Recently, Megane 6.7 and I collaborated on both a new MSTing that he  
wrote called "12 Months and a Year", as well as a new Let's Play coming soon  
featuring humorous commentary on the game "Les Manley: Search for the King".

All this and more can be accessed at the recent projects page at A MSTing  
for All Seasons, which is at

http://www.nabiki.com/mst/recent

Our Let's Plays and a few other videos can be acccessed at

https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67 

 

Megane 6.7 and I post reviews, articles, and other stuff on our blog  
at:

mstings.blogspot.com

Lastly, Megane 6.7 and I would like to extend another thanks to the  
authors, Weebee and Jonakhensu, who graciously allowed permission for  
us to crack jokes about their story. As well, Weebee provided some  
last-minute assistance and editing work with this very MSTing, for  
which I thank you! More of this 'fic can be found at:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6241559/1/Help-Wanted

Check out www.fanfiction.net for their other works!

Thanks for reading!

Special Thanks:  
Teachers of America  
The Authors of the First Amendment  
American Cancer Society  
Cast and Crew of MST3k

 

>Soun Tendo, who had been trying to ignore this whole scene, grunted  
>and nodded.

 

Keep Circulating the Fanfics....


End file.
